Golf is tough. In any language

Report 11: “Talk English Hossette”

A golf course in America

LPGA press release

A Ladies Professional Golf Association (LPGA) decision requires its players to speak English. This decision was made for the good of the LPGA tour, women’s golf in general, and women pro-golfers specifically, including the Koreans, who have become a major presence on the tour. Why? Let’s listen in on a PRO-AM golf outing (quotes are your reporter’s):

• Hacker Alpha, “Boy! Ms. Kim, I’ve been looking forward to this PRO-AM and meeting you. I followed your victory last week. What a putt on the 18th!”

• Pro golfer Kim, “*.” (Loose rendition of South Korean, which was translated by an antagonistic North Korean.)

• Hacker Bravo, “Sorry, ace, Ms. Kim doesn’t speak English. I found out she was our pro partner and tried to opt out of the tournament, but no deal.”

• Hacker Alpha, “Doesn’t speak English! What’s the point of me forking out $4,000 to play 18 holes of golf with a foreigner who can’t talk to me? For our foursome, that’s $16,000!”

• Hacker Bravo, “Well, not speaking English would be one definition of a foreigner, with the exception of Texans. Anyway, I was told Ms. Kim knows a few words of English. She can say, ‘Thanks for the check’ pretty well.”

• Thus, Hacker Alpha, Hacker Bravo, Hacker Charlie, and Hacker Delta spent over $200 per hole (not including golf cart rentals, and the loss of ½ gross of golf balls). Hitting an average of 110 shots per player, our golfers heard Ms. Kim utter “Nice Shot!” 440 times, including the putts.

I will wager an undisclosed sum of dollars against your disclosed sum of dollars that at least 90 percent of the foreign golfers, given losing their LPGA card to that of learning English, will opt for learning English.

OK, maybe not. So, to get to the heart of the matter, here is another solution: The LPGA moves all its operations to South Korea. Here, the South Korean LPGA (SKLPGA) takes over the helm, including finding sponsors, golf courses for each week’s TV coverage, sponsor tents, overhead dirigibles, sycophantic commentators, and willing amateur players for the PRO-AM.

The only requirement of the participants: All pro players must speak Korean.

* Editor’s note: We don’t have Korean fonts in our system. Sorry.