Could active listening defragment us?

“Listening moves us closer, it helps us become more whole, more healthy, more holy. Not listening creates fragmentation, and fragmentation is the root of all suffering.”

At perhaps no time in our history have these words from American writer Margaret Wheatley been more needed. But there’s listening, and there’s listening.

When I listen, am I “listening” just to bide my time, eager for my turn to talk?

When I listen, am I looking for opportunities to interject my own thoughts?

When I listen, am I hearing only what I want to hear, projecting my own perspective, viewpoint or opinion?

Listening is not a passive activity. It’s not enough for the ears to merely hear. To absorb what’s communicated requires observation, empathy, and an open mind freed from its subconscious filters.

In Tuesday’s Press Human Rights Education Institute director Jeanette Laster urged this community to “actively listen” to one another. That’s sage advice for a nation in social pain, a nation politically divided. It’s sage advice for every healthy relationship — between a government and its people; among races, ethnicities and religions; at work and at home.

Active listening is not the same as agreeing. It is simply understanding.

I think of a favorite cousin with whom I vehemently disagree on several issues yet love as deeply as life itself, a bond developed in childhood we fiercely hold onto.

Agreeing is not necessary for love — of family or fellow man.

Psychologists expert in the art of communication say active listening isn’t only beneficial to the speaker; active listening also increases the listener’s well-being.

All humans need to feel connected, valued and worthy of that value. At the simplest level, positive interactions with others increase those feelings.

Active listening requires developing a skillset to increase such positive interaction and healthy relationships. Active listening means:

Instead of planning a response the entire time (a very common habit), actually processing what’s being said.

Absorbing words in the framework, and from the perspective, of the speaker, rather than with our own agenda for the conversation.

Providing an attentive ear for the speaker’s story, being nonverbal, instead of looking for opportunities to project “me too” or “when I.”

Asking questions, then paraphrasing what’s been said is a very powerful listening tool. It assures the speaker they’ve been heard and understood, and tends to obviate any feelings of frustration or help diffuse anger.

Not judging what’s being said. Listening and opining are mutually exclusive.

Finally, active listening means letting silence just be, resisting the urge to fill quiet moments. Silence can enrich understanding and processing, deepening human bonds.

With so many Americans feeling more divided and distant from one another, active listening is the first step on the bridge to a more united, strong society.

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Sholeh Patrick is a columnist for the Hagadone News Network. Contact her at Sholeh@cdapress.com.