THE CHEAP SEATS with STEVE CAMERON: Who’s my GOAT? You’ll flip when you find out

When I was 4 years old, Grandma used to take me to this little enclosure in Golden Gate Park.

It was run by a Mrs. Lambert, and she had several types of harmless small animals for kids to pet and — in some cases, we could feed them yucky stuff out of a bag.

I loved the lambs, but what I really remember is that Mrs. Lambert had just one young goat.

Only one.

How could I know then that singling out the greatest GOAT of all time might become part of my professional life?

For that matter, nobody in those days thought or spoke in acronyms, so the only goat you’d ever find was the one that Mrs. Lambert allowed children to pet in her playground.

Oh, how times have changed.

Yahoo Sports is now conducting this massive contest to decide who is the GOAT of all GOATS — and Yahoo isn’t considering Mrs. Lambert’s entry as legitimate.

OF COURSE, you all know that the letters now stand for “Greatest of All Time” — as in, Tom Brady is considered the GOAT at quarterback.

Although…

It’s probably wise to retire once you are officially known as the GOAT.

Playing on for three or four more years, and anyone (even Tom Terrific) might wind up being demoted to just plain “goat” after throwing five straight picks.

Anyhow, Yahoo wants us to vote on the GOAT who stands above all other GOATS.

Now then…

My theory about choosing the ultimate GOAT would quickly eliminate Brady, along with Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, Serena Williams and many other athletes who have been the GOAT at one time or another.

Why?

Well, to be the “all-time” anything, you have to be miles and miles better than anyone in your own sport.

By the way, is hot dog eating a sport?

I’m asking because Joey Chestnut has pretty much established himself as the GOAT at Nathan’s on Coney Island every Fourth of July.

Seriously, 75 dogs (including a couple of poodles) in 10 minutes?

Joey might be able to EAT a goat to help wash down all those hot dogs.

Anyway…

Athletes like Brady, Wood, Jordan and Williams MIGHT be the best as their sport, but there are serious contenders in the frame…

Montana, Nicklaus, Magic, Martina.

And plenty more.

See what I mean?

If you’re going to be considered the best of the best — the ultimate GOAT — you first have to separate yourself from everyone else in your sport.

You have put up some distance like Secretariat at the 1973 Belmont Stakes.

TO WIT…

Michael Phelps is a contender because nothing that lives on land ever has been able to swim like he can — and he’s proven it over and over and over.

Who’s your No. 2 swimmer?

Right, case closed.

Step down.

Among baseball players — and there will be a zillion entries — only Babe Ruth could actually get into the argument for GOAT of GOATs, because the Babe was not only the best pure power hitter of all time (he’d launch about 90 or 95 far into the night these days in the live ball era), but he also was among the very best pitchers in history.

Who are your potential top-of-the mountain GOATS?

My “maybes” would be Muhammad Ali (what man his size could have even grazed him in his prime?), Jesse Owens (imagine good shoes and composite tracks), Babe Didrikson Zaharias (you know a woman who could be the best at all those things?), Jim Thorpe (how about a MAN who was the best at everything?) and Jim Brown (best running back and immortal lacrosse player).

But my winner, the GOAT of all GOATS, is easy…

Simone Biles.

When they start naming various floor exercises and dismounts after you — and then announce that no one else can try them for a serious fear of broken necks — then you’re in a world of your own.

No one in our lifetimes will attempt what Biles does for fun.

She’s invented a whole new sport.

Eventually, the greatest in any endeavor won’t be called a GOAT.

Nope, it’ll be a…

BILES.

Email: scameron@cdapress.com

Steve Cameron’s “Cheap Seats” columns appear in The Press on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. “Moments, Memories and Madness,” his reminiscences from several decades as a sports journalist, runs each Sunday.

Steve also writes Zags Tracker, a commentary on Gonzaga basketball, once per month during the offseason.