Marriage and family during a lockdown

This “lockdown” or quarantine has been something none of us have experienced before and the effects are many. The baseball, soccer and track meets are canceled. Movie theaters, concerts and events not happening. Many are not able to work and students are home instead of in school.

This has not only affected incomes but marriages and families. That said, we thought this might be an interesting column to explore relationships within a marriage and family. We turned to two people who have been trained in this area.

Mike and Jill Guindon are marriage counselors in Kootenai County who have had a lot of experience counseling families. We value their views on the impact on families during this time but about marriage in general.

Mike and Jill, tell us about your background and training in marriage counseling and the background of MJ Marriage Ministry. The foundation of MJ Marriage Ministry comes from knowing that God’s Word is the ultimate authority and that is the anchor of the Ministry.

We have gone through several intensive Schools of Spiritual Direction founded and facilitated by Larry Crabb and are currently going through the certification process of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors.

Mike has been a Marriage Pastor and Community Pastor at Real Life Ministries in Post Falls, has written a prayer booklet (Extraordinary Prayer) available on Amazon, and has written articles for Focus on the Family Magazine as well as Growthtrac Marriage and Christian Marriage Today.

Jill’s work in the Kootenai County Victim Offender Mediation and Domestic Violence Programs has been an asset to our ministry.

What effects have you seen on marriages and families in this lockdown and what responses are toxic?

The impact on marriages and families that do not have a firm foundation has been far reaching. We have seen marriages, that once seemed healthy, fall apart. We have become aware of and have witnessed marriages in chaos and peril because of the unknown, change in schedules, financial stress and much more has given way to emotional instability, anxiety and an overall sense of things being out of control. That seems to drive people to find a way to manage things on their own, apart from God, missing out on what He wants to teach and show them within the struggle.

But, we have also heard of and have been able to be a part of families who have seen this as an opportunity to be more intentional in every area of their lives who are actually coming out better than they once were, their priorities being shifted to the things God cares about, and their Faith growing!

What would be your response on how to restore a marriage in trouble?

Our present circumstances are truly a great opportunity for marriages and families to become what God intended. The ultimate question Gary Thomas asks in his best selling book Sacred Marriage is, “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than happy?” God created us to glorify Him, to love Him and others. We have become lovers of ourselves and demand from God and others what we want. This is a time to go to our knees and seek God and His plan for us, to glorify Him by reflecting Jesus to our spouse, our family, and others. Love of Jesus is the only answer to our struggles, our wants and our needs. The problem that exists in the world and even in the church is self-centeredness! The answer to restoring families is surrendering to Jesus Christ, obeying and loving Him more than anything else. But, you cannot love someone you do not know. It is time to seek Him!

That has been a hard lesson for us all, that we depended upon things and outside activities for our happiness and never taken time to look at relationships with family and the Lord. How do we make that change?

The answer is the same for families as it is for individuals, obedience to God! He created us and gave us a love letter (the Bible) telling us how to live a joy filled life. It all centers around the condition of one’s heart. Phillipians 2:3-5 is a great verse to memorize and live by, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.” Each of you should look out not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others. YOUR ATTITUDE SHOULD BE THE SAME AS THAT OF CHRIST JESUS. The root problem that exists since the fall of man can be summed up in one word, again it is SELF-CENTEREDNESS! Because of our carnal nature we do not have the power to be God centered or others centered. It is only the power of Jesus Christ that enables us to do consistently what goes against our nature. Ruth Graham said it best, “The best marriage is a union of two Servants.” In second Corinthians 7:1 it says, “Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God.”

The words Testing Positive are buzz words pertaining to the pandemic going on right now but can also be used to describe situations within the home as well. Are you contaminating or purifying?

Purifying is a two-fold action; turning away from sin, and turning toward God. In these unsettling times we have the opportunity to choose purification or contamination. If we choose to purify we can positively impact our marriage, our family, and the world we live in. If you choose contamination you will miss out on all the blessings that God intended you to reap through the struggle. Struggles can be a blessing (James 1:2-4) that help us to truly know the depth of our character which helps us to become mature and complete as God intended. We are actually, as a world, getting this opportunity at the same time!

That is such a great message — you don’t give some quick and easy answer or a list of activities but recognizing that we need Christ as the center and seek Him. The home is really the starting point of who we are and become, isn’t it?

“You are who you are at home,” Jill’s mom told her as she was growing up. It rings true now more than ever during this lockdown and the uncertainty in our lives.

You see, the truth is, our truest relationship with the Lord is constantly being lived out in our relationships with each other. How we relate to our spouse and family shows what’s really going on in our hearts. And God is always wanting to expose our true heart condition, not to judge and punish us but to free us up so we can actually love others well, especially those at home.

As we have talked with couples who reach out for help, they are more aware than ever of how poorly they have loved their family within their four walls at home. Often times our good legitimate desires when turned into demands, cause so much strife. This is God’s way of really helping us to change at a heart level. We tell everyone that “God is up to something in all of this.” He cares more about our character than our comfort and He wants us to be more aware of how we are relating and impacting those closest to us.

It’s easier in times like these to be especially blinded and unaware of our true heart condition when we feel like we’re just trying to “survive.”

So, if you are who you are at home, how are you? What would your family say?

We’ve been able to talk about that with others and help them in ways that make a difference at a heart level.

When we have the “heart to” with the Lord, He will help us with the “how to.”

Explain more about what you do as a couple and if folks are interested, how they can contact you.

Our ministry focuses on three primary areas, marriage conferences called “Fail Proof Your Marriage, Mentor/discipleship Training for church lay leaders and marriage/pre-marriage counseling. During this time of quarantine we have had to utilize more technology to engage with couples and individuals, such as FaceTime, Skype and conference calls. We can be contacted through out website, mjministry.com, email us at info@mjninistry.com or call at (208) 755-3841.

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Bob Shillingstad’s religion columns appear Saturdays in The Press. Email Bob: bjshill@mac.comw