PRESS PIGSKIN PROGNOSTICATORS
Bales of ballots are buried deep in the Fort Knox-like vault at the Kootenai County Elections Office, with the 2019 municipal elections now in the record books.
That got The League wondering, here at the rather mild and mundane midpoint of the NFL season: What if the public got to vote on the All-Star Press Pigskin Prognosticators? Who would win what titles?
It being far too much work to actually conduct an election, The League simply placed all the votes itself. Here are the results.
DOG CATCHER: Cd’A Police Chief Lee White. With his sidekick, Buster, making all his picks, White’s in good shape heading into the second half of the season. He’s also high on The League’s most-quotable list, with stuff like this — an email he recently sent to his pigskin pickin’ foes:
“I started to read your email to Buster to help him with his picks, but he got bored and went outside to pee on a tree and then chased one of the neighborhood turkeys. He came back into the house and reminded me that chasing a turkey is what he does every week when he tries to keep up with his ‘prognosticator’ competition.”
PIE TOSSER: That honor goes to Jared Staples, owner of Papa Murphy’s Pizza. At the beginning of the season, Jared referred to his direct competitor, owner of the local Domino’s Pizza franchises Jim Hightower, as “Mr. Hightower.” It took only a week or two for the honorific to be dropped and the gloves to be raised. Well done, Mr. Staples.
DATA DIVER: Hightower in a landslide. The Bible is shorter (and less colorful) than Hightower’s looooooong emails explaining his picks.
IRISH ROVER: That’ll be Michael Kennedy, who has been at best inconsistent before conceding this week: “If losing at picking NFL games were a sport, I’d be an Olympian.” Have a dram, plug in The Pogues and your prognostication impotence won’t matter, Mike.
PACKER FANACKER: That would be DeAnne Boegli. She’s had her way with the Chicago Bears hibernating early while Green Bay’s been on fire...until last Sunday, anyway. Go Chargers!
LEAGUE LEADER: Even though she’s last in the standings, Anne Hagman is first in The League’s heart. She was the only prognosticator last week to pick Chicago over Philadelphia.
A KNIGHT OUT: Post Falls Police Chief Pat Knight can be rough and tumble in the real world, but he’s almost sickeningly sweet in his PPP correspondence. Work on that in the second half, will you, Chief?
DIVA FOR DOLLARS: Straight from the credit union sector, Suzanna Spencer has been Supergirl this season. Analytics? Inside tips? Divine inspiration? Hell, no. Suzanna checks out the dudes on the sidelines and picks games based on who looks best in those tight unis.
RIVALRY FIZZLERS: A tie. The League statisticians tracking smacktalk have expressed displeasure at the paucity of verbal poison between Lake City and Coeur d’Alene high schools’ athletic directors, Jim Winger and Mike Randles, respectively. Did they both miss the memo about good sportsmanship being boring?
SILENT BUT DEADLY: Steve Cameron. All who know the Press sports columnist will quickly attest, if they can get a word in, that he’s, shall we say, loquacious. Yet since he took some ribbing early in the season, Cameron’s been like the indignant star who refuses to talk to the media. Instead, he’s letting Sammie The World’s Greatest Cat make all his picks — and do all the meowing. It’s working. Check out the standings inside Sports today and you’ll see.