The draft resolution that changed the world

The Press last week intercepted the first draft of a Kootenai County Republican Central Committee resolution. It’s April Fool’s Eve, so with strict adherence to political protocol (and a discreet wink), we now share it with you.

Kootenai County Republican Central Committee

A Resolution in Opposition to Bad Stuff

WHEREAS, this august body is duly elected by tens and sometimes even dozens of citizens who dig politics all the way down to the precinct level, which admittedly is pretty low, and

WHEREAS, penning KCRCC Resolutions makes us feel somewhere between productive and omnipotent, so we pen them at every possible opportunity, and

WHEREAS, this august body recognizes that it is a treasure island in a sea of barbarity populated by progressive sharks and, worse, reasonable Republicans, and

WHEREAS, there is bad stuff everywhere, “bad stuff” being defined as “anything this august body disagrees with,” and

WHEREAS, nobody is better equipped to identify and dispose of bad stuff than, humbly, ourselves, and

WHEREAS, metadata and other mumbo-jumbo are clear indicia to this august body of bad stuff having been done and/or at least planned and/or at least possibly mentioned over coffee at a place of business known to harbor, you know, people with bad stuff on their brains, and

WHEREAS, we need at least two more whereases or this Resolution will not sound quite Official enough, and

WHEREAS, um, where the hell were we? Oh, yeah; whereas we already used the words ‘metadata’ and ‘indicia’ to really impress readers and have now Officially run out of whereases,

NOW THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED that the Committee calls for an end to all bad stuff, and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that the committee directs the Committee Chairman to erect a cool statue of himself to represent Good Stuff, but only after another long speech praising friends to their faces and ridiculing enemies behind their backs.

Amen, and pass the pickle juice.