A bird's world

For Coeur Voice

Maybe it’s just because I’m an old comedy writer new to life on the mountain but I find myself totally entertained and amused by the birds and squirrels here. Who knew birds loved peanuts? Those of you smart enough to have spent a lifetime here already know that these animals all have their own unique personalities and when they get together it’s a party. A checkout clerk at Stater’s recently told me the Blue Jays eat peanuts right out of her brother’s hand. They haven’t gotten to that level of trust with me yet but then neither has my wife.

It’s common knowledge that all animals are far smarter than most of us realize. Blue Jays have a complex language and can differentiate between the faces of people. There’s a family of them living in the trees next to our deck. I gave them all names. Why do we feel a need to give animals a name? I guess it makes it easier when you’re talking to them.

Harry – The alpha Blue Jay who thinks he’s in charge.

Debbie – Matriarch, mother of Billy and Janie.

Frank – Oldest and wisest Blue Jay. He knows all about life on the mountain.

Billy – Adolescent bored with small town life and doesn’t realize how lucky he is.

Janie – Smarter than all the male birds but what female isn’t?

I was wondering what those Blue Jays are talking about in the trees, especially early in the morning while they’re waiting for me to bring out the peanuts. If I had one of those Star Trek universal translators I imagine the conversation would sound something like this:

Billy: So where’s Peanut Guy? You said we would be having breakfast an hour ago. I’m going back to sleep.

Harry: Maybe if you weren’t flying around Crestline with your buddies until midnight you wouldn’t be so tired.

Janie: He was hanging out with the crows again.

Billy: No I wasn’t!

Debbie: Oh, Billy. You know the crows will only get you in trouble. You remember what happened to your cousin, Jasper, when he took up with crows? He ended up in Nevada feeding on dead weasels.

Frank: Shhh! Peanut Guy’s awake.

Debbie: I hope he doesn’t bring that bird feed from Jensen’s with our peanuts again.

Harry: Who has the time for bird feed? Freddie, the squirrel, is the only one patient enough to open each sunflower seed.

Billy: Freddie’s an idiot.

Janie: You’re an idiot.

Debbie: I don’t want to hear that kind of language. Humans already think we make too much noise.

Harry: Billy, make that sound the humans like. I know it pure babble but they eat it up.

Frank: Yeah, Humans love those stupid bird noises. Peanut Guy gets that dumb look on his face every time he hears it then runs off and gets us more peanuts.

Debbie: Don’t embarrass our son.

Frank: (To Billy) Either you make that stupid bird noise or you get no breakfast.

Billy: Caw! Caw! Caw!

Harry: That did it. Food’s on the table. Last one’s a crow. (Harry and Debbie fly off to table on Tom’s deck)

Janie: Here come’s Freddie. He’s so cute.

Billy: (Teasing his sister) Janie’s a squirrel lover. Janie’s a squirrel lover. (Janie flies off to table on Tom’s deck)

Frank: (Shaking his head. To Billy) You make me wish I was born a ferret. (Frank flies off to table on Tom’s deck)

Billy: What’s a ferret? (Looks around) Where did everybody go?