PRESS PIGSKIN PROGNOSTICATORS

Dear Santa: Bestow upon

pickers precious presents

By MIKE PATRICK

PPP Commissioner

Magnanimous.

Benevolent.

Jolly and kind.

These adjectives fit a lot of people this time of year. Your Press Pigskin Prognosticators commissioner is not one of them.

Yet after last week’s Grinchy installment ended up resembling a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce, the commish feels comparatively cuddly this week.

Hence, here’s what he’s asking Santa to deliver first class to The League’s all-stars dueling valiantly on the NFL battlefield to benefit local nonprofits.

STEVE CAMERON: An edict that all area coffee shops and corner stands remain open 24/7 to satisfy his nocturnal caffeine cravings. Also, a couple handfuls of fairly clean kitty litter in his stocking for Sammie The World’s Greatest Cat.

LEE WHITE: A gently used vinyl copy of Simon and Garfunkle’s “The Boxer,” complete with a plastic cover that’s whiz-proof when Buster’s in one of his moods.

PAT KNIGHT: A huntin’ dawg that can prognosticate half as well as Buster and urinate twice as much.

SUZANNA SPENCER: Life-size cutouts, not of the best NFL players, but of those with the bods she just adores.

MIKE RANDLES: Another chance to keep Rigby out of the end zone on the two-point conversion in that heart-wrenching double-OT championship game loss.

JIM WINGER: An ice-cold adult beverage and an overflowing platter of Buffalo Wild Wingers. And a football team that can compete with Randles’ Vikings.

JIM HIGHTOWER: A Final Four and no NCAA sanctions for his beloved Arizona Wildcats and a tattoo of Firehouse Subs on his belly button.

JARED STAPLES: A McDonald’s, a Burger King, a Taco Bell and a Panera to add to his stable of franchise eateries.

MIKE KENNEDY: A brand new AOL account, a DirecTV dish and a wee dram of something tasty on Christmas Eve.

BOBBIJOE VROOM: A copyright on her surname, which is almost as good for a pigskin picker as former Press reporter Bethany Blitz.

ANNE HAGMAN: A new and more relaxing clothes dryer for her brother’s dog, Smurf, who donated generously last week to Press Christmas for All and deserves some comfy karma.

On that note, happy Christmas, everybody!