Low, low, lower price on hottest info anywhere!
Hiya, Folks…
Yep, it’s Biff Power here, and I want to tell you about our very, very newest deal here at DRAFTME.COM.
No, not our very newest deal.
And certainly not our newest deal.
This is absolutely our very, very newest deal.
We have sworn affidavits about our accuracy from hundreds of leagues, organizations and random people on street corners — including the Albuquerque West Mesa Little League, the Suburban Fairbanks Mushers Association, and so many more.
So many that we don’t know all their names, that’s how many.
Now let me ask you…
Aren’t you tired of Mel Kiper Jr. telling you about a guard from Ohio State who has a tendency to stumble on his third step when pulling to the left?
Aren’t you weary of waiting on the Mariners’ next hot prospect, only to read that it’s a kid from Upper Sloth Hoof, Michigan, who only needs to add “a couple of ticks” to his batting-practice fastball?
Aren’t you sick of reading that Zion Williamson will be the first pick in the NBA draft, when my Uncle Bill could tell you that?
And Bill’s passed out under the kitchen table.
WAIT! WAIT!
All that nonsense is old news.
Those meatheads doing draft analysis at other web sites (our lawyers say we can’t give you their names) are still trying to play 8-track music.
They’re in Vegas waiting for Sammy Davis Jr. to make a comeback.
Forget those bozos!
Here at DRAFTME.COM, we use the latest analytics to sort through the thousands of potential prospects in every sport — oh, yeah, we know every up-and-coming pickleball phenom — and we’re willing to share this incredible, all-encompassing knowledge for the low, low, low price of $49.99 per month.
Did you say you want it to be even lower?
OK, if you sign up long-term — that’s two months — we’ll slash the price to $45.99 and throw in our special bonus hockey exclusive.
That’s right, DRAFTME.COM will leak inside information on the future of 11-year-old Krabb Raangoone, the wonderkid defenseman from Upper Moose Hindquarters, Newfoundland.
The young Newfie is everything you’ve heard, puck junkies, as those dozens of little boys he’s put into the hospital will attest.
Well, maybe they really can’t attest to anything, but their guardians and next of kin have given sworn statements to us here at DRAFTME.COM.
And get this: Young Mr. Raangoone is definitely a first-pick possibility for the expansion Seattle Squid — depending on what decade the Squid put down that first sheet of ice.
WAIT! WAIT!
We know you’re sick of reading headlines like this one: “Seahawks Listening to Trade Offers for Frank Clark.”
Well, of course they are.
They’re listening to trade offers for talk show host Cliff Avril and anyone else who can still find the practice facility.
Let’s not be ridiculous.
Here at DRAFTME.COM, we already know what the Seahawks will do on draft day.
We have it wired, unless GM John Schneider makes seven trades to acquire 31 more picks spaced over the next decade.
Listen, you care about college hoops?
Of course you do.
If you sign up long, long term (three months) at the astonishing price of $41.99 per month, we’ll send you the precise career projection for every Gonzaga player — including Jack Beach, for whom long stretches of sand might be named.
Want to know if Killian Tillie will play professional volleyball? Become a world-class Fortnite star?
Yes…
We have it.
WAIT! WAIT!
What’s more, for that long, long three-month membership (our attorneys say we can’t mention bankruptcy), we’ll ship you a bronze replica of Zion’s foot going ka-boom…
Plus…
You get a framed portrait of Phil Knight’s face when Zion’s foot exploded (sorry, cannot be returned).
C’mon, fans!
Name the sport. Name the team, Name the athlete.
We know the future of everything.
In fact, for the first 100 million subscribers outside Mongolia, we’ll include our first and perhaps only edition of OHHELL.COM, a look at the world’s complete geopolitical future — headlined by our exclusive on a cinch North Korean nuclear attack.
Sorry, we can’t divulge classified information about that blast, kids, but we CAN tell you it won’t disturb Mel Kiper’s hair.
We know doggone near everything about sports and the outside world here at GOFUNDBIFF.COM — including the first picture of Harry and Meghan’s baby, and the shock of seeing those seven toes.
Call us now at 1-877-IMAFOOL, and get it all.
Call, call, call.
Then call again.
Operators are standing by. They don’t know much English, but they really are standing by…waiting for the next Urdu speaker.
Until next time…
Kisses for all, and loosen up with those credit cards…
Biff
Steve Cameron’s “Cheap Seats” columns for The Press appear on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Facebook: Steve Cameron
Twitter: @BrandNewDayCDA
Email: scameron@cdapress.com