Fatbeam set to acquire major glass conglomerate, Jupiter

KIREGISGREAN (April 1, 2019) — In an effort to reduce manufacturing and raw material costs, Fatbeam is purchasing Jupiter. The planet. After the country of Kiregisgream completed a recent exploratory mission to the giant planet, it was discovered that this lumbering rock was laden with large glass alcoves. Glass, a clear and brittle material, is the essential element used in the production of fiber optic cables.

Fatbeam, a fiber optic company, has been working in conjunction with the First National Bank of Kiregisgrean to secure funding for this $4.3 trillion acquisition. Those familiar with the deal say that it will be the first interstellar asset exchange in recent history. As part of this deal, Fatbeam promises to provide all fiber networks for Jupiter in exchange for total control over the entirety of the planet’s glass deposits.

“I’m honestly just hoping we can figure out a way to get there,” says Greg Green, CEO of Fatbeam. “It will be interesting to see if the technology can keep up with our organization’s ambition.”

When asked why they just don’t use glass made on Earth, Fatbeam’s Chief Engineer reported that Jupiter’s glass is purer because of the hydrogen-rich atmosphere. “Hydrogen causes a chemical reaction in glass that makes it more reflective of light, so when we use it for our fiber cables, it will allow information to be transported at 6 times the speed of light.”

“Speed is everything,” Green says, “with these higher speed fiber cables, companies can send information from one location to another faster than ever before. Next time someone sends you a meeting request to discuss next month’s Accounting Standard Codification 350 process, you can decline it at 6 times the speed of light. That kind of communication is priceless.”

Fatbeam hopes to launch their first mining mission in the fall of 2022 and hopes to have their first glass deposits delivered to the Earth by late 2123. If the glass doesn’t break on its way through the Earth’s atmosphere, Fatbeam will be able to supply the entire globe with the fastest internet ever.