A venomized 'Venom' movie review

A Venom movie without Spider-Man is a terrible idea.

The solo adventure “Venom,” which has nothing to do with Spidey or anything in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, shifts the black goo villain into a quippy anti-hero. Sloppily directed by Ruben Fleischer with a script that lacks conflict and tonal cohesion, “Venom” squanders its overqualified cast. Even worse, “Venom” can’t …

Hey Tyler, if you keep blasting my movie, I’m going to literally bite your head off.

Wait, where’s that voice coming from?

It’s me, Venom. I’m hungry for flesh. But I’m also tired of your negativity.

Listen, Venom, this is my review, and I don’t appreciate you injecting yourself into my bloodstream or whatever. Your movie is terrible.

Oh come on, admit it. You enjoyed yourself. Tom Hardy’s crazy accent, his cartoonish antics once I jumped inside his body ...

I mean, yeah, Tom Hardy is really going for it. Eddie Brock’s internal conversations with the alien symbiote are actually pretty hilarious. It’s quite jarring, really, because the first 45 minutes of the movie are such a bore.

Look, man, it’s a Sony movie. We didn’t have that Disney money to fill the whole movie with awesome CGI me.

The CGI is pretty bad. I thought you looked better in 2007’s “Spider-Man 3,” but I laughed out loud at some of these goofball goo action scenes, especially the one where Tom Hardy is goo-attacking people on his motorcycle.

Tom is a hoot, man. I loved working with him. What about that part where he’s all crazed at that fancy restaurant and jumps into the lobster tank? Or when I made him scarf that rotten chicken and frozen tater tots?

Yeah, man, that was shocking and stupendous. But, see, I’m not so sure your director actually knew what he was doing here. Like Tom Hardy just arrived on set and decided to give the craziest performance this side of Nicolas Cage.

Nicolas Cage? I love that guy. I wanted him to play the villain. He would have killed it. He loves to chew on flesh, or scenery, or whatever you bland movie critics like to call it. I like chewing on things, what with my big sharp teeth.

Yeah you do. The villain in the movie, played by Riz Ahmed, is just a boring evil Elon Musk type. But at least the stinger at the end of the movie promised a much more unhinged villain for next time.

Oh yeah, baby. Did you check out that curly red wig on (redacted)? Hilarious.

Michelle Williams is rocking a pretty funny wig too. By the way, how did you get acclaimed actress Michelle Williams to appear in this movie?

We heard Mark Wahlberg got paid way more than her on “All the Money in the World,” so we offered her all the money in the world to be in this movie. You loved her, right?

She doesn’t have a character, but I do appreciate how she immediately accepts that Tom Hardy has a goo alien inside making him nuts. She’s just like, “Yep, makes sense.” I also loved the absurdity of your entire character arc, Venom. You want to stay on Earth because, and I quote, you’re “kind of a loser on your home planet.”

All the other goo aliens are jerks, man. I’d eat them all, but cannibalism is discouraged on our planet.

Ours too, ours too.

Probably a good rule, bud. But I do like eating bad guys. Biting their heads clean off.

The movie is PG-13 though. It’s too bad there isn’t more of that, because, like everything involving you in the movie, it’s hilarious.

The kids love me. Gotta let the kids see ol’ Venom crush it on the big screen. Look, you’re proving my point. You keep saying I’m hilarious in the movie. I am! It’s a comedy, man. Me and Tom Hardy — the best buddy cop combination since “Lethal Weapon!”

I just don’t think Sony intended it to be as crazy-silly as it is. I can see the “serious” comic book fans take issue with this, especially since it stands in complete tonal contrast to the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Stop harshing my buzz, man. Who cares about the MCU? They got Paul Rudd as an ant. I heard all their characters got dusted in the last one anyway.

Actually, it was half the characters and there’s another movie coming out …

Shut up, nerd! I have goo arms and sharp teeth, and my friend Tom Hardy just topped his own ridiculous Bane performance from “The Dark Knight Rises.” Admit it, you had a blast with my movie.

OK, I admit it. After the first 45 minutes, I laughed so hard I cried. “Venom” deserves to be a midnight movie staple alongside “The Room.” I want Vin Diesel to come into the franchise with his Xander Cage character from “XxX,” but I’d have him play Spider-Man.

Great idea, bro. Glad to see you come around.

Plus the movie has its own rap theme song over the credits. It’s Eminem’s “Wild Wild West.” By the way, a character in the movie actually says “wild, wild west.” Two “wilds.” I don’t think that was an accident.

You’re starting to bore me. Do you want to go venomize some dogs, eat some frozen tots and goo attack some shoplifters?

Whatever you say, man, I’ve clearly lost control of this column space.

Because WE ARE VENOM!!!!!!!

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Venom can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com