Vasectomies: Stepping up to the plate

At the edge of age 34, I’m hanging up my cleats and getting out of the repopulation game.

By the time this article appears, I will have undergone a vasectomy (unless I chicken out at the last minute). My wife and I have four children - ages 6 through nine months old. We have two boys and two girls, and there’s no more room in the minivan for another car seat.

I’ve been told that many dads look forward to this time of their life. No more infants waking you up in the middle of the night. No more chance of creating another ravenous mouth to feed.

Truthfully, I’m pretty sad about it. I love babies. I love snuggling babies. I love their squishy faces and all the strange noises, and I love watching them transform in a year from a ball of blubber to an insane, nonsense-speaking little human.

If I’m being honest with myself, I love babies more than kids. Babies are relatively simple - it’s pretty easy to make a baby happy so long as you keep their diaper dry and their belly full. Kids come with more complex emotions, and I barely understand my own. I love my kids and every stage of their lives has been (so far) incredibly rewarding, but still, nothing beats baby stage

My wife loves babies too, but look, at some point we have to be realistic about our capability as parents. We’re already severely outnumbered. If one of my kids wants to throw a fit at the grocery store… guess what? It’s happening, folks. I’ll do my best to get out of the store quickly, but you’ll definitely be hearing the screams as we race out to the van.

We try to contain them as best we can - we do the grocery pickup thing online, and we’ve done our best to insulate the walls of our house. Apologies to the neighbors when they’re in the backyard fighting over who holds the hose (there’s snow on the ground, stop playing with the hose!).

So I’m getting the vasectomy. Really, guys, it’s the right thing to do. The procedure is much less complicated and safer than my wife going through the comparable female procedure. Our insurance covers most of the cost too.

I’m a bit of a baby myself when it comes to medical stuff. Getting my wisdom teeth out was a whole thing. I’m nervous, but writing about it makes the process a little easier, and I’ll at least have an excuse to avoid lifting duties around the house for a few days. There’s always something to lift - a kid, garbage, some new shelf or piece of furniture. For one weekend anyway, I can sit and watch hours of preseason baseball or college basketball, or, more likely, “House Hunters International.”

Next issue, I’ll likely document what happens (nothing too specific, don’t be gross). From talking to the doctor and the office staff, as well as other men about their vasectomies, it seems like it’s a topic a lot of people avoid, to the point where the men looking to have the procedure (me) still have some apprehension and misconceptions about it. Hopefully, Live Well can lift the curtain and inspire couples to take the vasectomy route instead of the more invasive procedure for women.

I’m sad about not having any more babies, but I know it’s for the best. My wife and I want to foster kids (and BABIES) down the road, and we should have enough kids already to generate an adequate amount of grandchildren in the future.

I’m also available for babysitting.