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Whether you’re a biological parent, a single parent, an adoptive parent or a stepparent, all parenting is hard. However, to compare parenting your own child to parenting a stepchild is like comparing apples and oranges. As a stepparent, I can tell you first hand that one of the most frustrating things is feeling alone because you feel like you’re not understood.

Recently a close friend and fellow stepmom told me that “it’s a learned love” and she couldn’t be more correct. Perhaps the best way to put it is that stepparenting can feel more difficult than “regular” parenting because it’s not natural. Typically, a biological parent develops an unbreakable bond with their child before they’re even born, as does the child. It’s a bond that’s often expressed as the most incredible and indescribable one you can have in this world. An adoptive parent or a family member who steps in as the parent, I’d guess, is likely to have a similar experience. You chose that child and dedicated your life to them. You’re that child’s hero and that’s an incredibly special bond as well.

Sure, some stepparents are able to develop similar special bonds with their stepchildren, but others aren’t. In fact, from my experience being out there in stepparent-land reading articles and connecting with others, it’s often not the case. You aren’t the parent, you’re the odd man out. Even worse, you’re often met with ridicule and misunderstanding—even by those who love you, but simply don’t understand.

Stepparenting is really scary and I think that’s why it can be such an easy knee jerk reaction to distance yourself and struggle to learn that love in the first place. You don’t share that unshakeable bond and that leaves your heart feeling vulnerable. If your biological child says “I hate you” it hurts, but you know it’s a lie. If your stepchild says that, you wonder if it’s the truth.

If you’re the spouse, friend or family member of a stepparent and you aren’t one yourself, try to put yourself in their shoes. Imagine what it would feel like to, instead of having a natural love that existed from the first moment, you want to love the child, but are afraid they won’t love you.

For the record, this isn’t a comparison of which type of parenting is more difficult. Personally, I don’t think that’s something you can compare. The lesson here is that it’s all different. When a stepparent friend asks for advice, please don’t give them the same advice that you’d give a friend with a biological child. They’re not dealing with the same situations and you will only leave that person likely feeling more upset than they were originally.

Yes, all parenting is hard, but not all parenting is the same and it’s not helpful to treat it as such.