'Twas the Fortnite before blitzmas

In case you still have Christmas shopping to do, maybe I can help.

I’m specifically talking to parents of teenagers.

If your kids (or even their friends) play Fortnite, do NOT buy them any of the assorted costumes and gee-gaws that go with the game.

In fact, if they don’t have the proper screens to play the thing, don’t buy those, either.

Fortnite is almost like a disease.

In fact, the World Health Organization has designated it an addiction hazard, which tells you just about everything.

Assuming that you do have teens prowling around the house, it’s almost impossible that Fortnite isn’t already a huge part of your life.

As of July, Epic Games announced that 125 million players had fallen into Fortnite (that’s not quite how they phrased it) and that number is going up so fast that it will almost certainly be around 200 million worldwide by the end of this month.

Most of them will be playing something called “Fortnite: Battle Royale.”

Just to put that number into perspective, just a shade over 200 million gamers would roughly equal the population of Brazil.

There were about 87 million gamers shooting and diving and jumping on Fortnite screens in August alone.

On the tiny chance that you don’t somehow know about Fortnite by now, it’s a pretty simple action game — not as gruesome as most in which people die.

Fortnite victims just kind of go poof and disappear.

THE BASIC premise is that a hundred players at a time are parachuted down to this pleasant-looking island.

The idea is to be the last left standing.

But you can’t just hide out (although some players try), because a random sniper will snuff you, AND the island continually shrinks.

So you’ve got to play it out, heading for high ground, looking for weapons, and so on.

It’s easy to play, but hard to become an expert like …

Ninja, for instance.

He’s a 20-something multi-millionaire who streams his games live each day for fun but mostly for profit, since the planet’s Fortnite players apparently all want to watch (and maybe learn).

But that’s not the big money.

Oh, no!

Epic Games is pocketing that from …

You, most likely.

SEE, IF you haven’t gone to your credit cards yet — or your kids haven’t — you may have a surprise in store.

The first brilliant idea from the manufacturers was to make Fortnite free, absolutely free, to download and play.

Great, eh?

Not so fast.

Fortniters ALL want to look cool, which means having the neatest outfits available (even though they serve no practical use playing the game).

Those, of course, cost money.

And Epic’s marketing strategy was, well, epic in another sense. Those battle outfits go out of style almost immediately.

Take a look at the online Fortnite Item Shop.

Various things, including those costumes the players call “skins,” are rotated throughout the year.

A new rotation of Fortnite items was released on Tuesday, as a matter of fact.

Christmas, folks.

Duh!

BESIDES ALL of that nonsense, and your toboggan ride toward bankruptcy, there truly are hundreds of thousands of teen gamers across the planet who are depressed or losing their self-esteem because everyone at school knows if you suck at Fortnite.

The obvious remedy …

Parents pay Fortnite coaches to visit the house and help young Johnny avoid getting blown up every time he wanders into that wooden shack.

On the screen, there, that shack.

Sheesh!

If you already have, or conceivably intend to, pay real money for Fortnite coaches …

I can’t help you.

Your children might as well have powers of attorney over you.

But the new December Fortnite “skins”?

You’ve got an actual answer for that demand …

“Let’s wait until the next rotation.”

Failing that, I’d suggest smashing every screen and smartphone in the house, and putting your kids under 24/7 surveillance.

With ankle bracelets, just in case.

Those next Christmas gifts for your teens could turn out to be therapy sessions.

And hey …

I’m serious.

•••

Steve Cameron is a columnist for The Press.

A Brand New Day appears from Wednesday through Saturday each week.

Steve’s Zags Tracker column on Gonzaga basketball runs on Tuesday.

Email: scameron@cdapress.com

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