It's tough to talk about

It's not easy to talk to your kids about school shootings.

It's a scary thing, from the horrifying thought of witnessing an attack or suffering injury at the hands of a classmate, to the unanswerable question, "Why?"

This is the new reality, one that requires solid communication between parents/guardians and their children.

"The new reality is that we must always be aware of our surroundings," said retired Coeur d'Alene School District superintendent David Rawls. "It's good for kids to be safe and be aware, and trust that the people around you are also looking out for you and for each other. They are all equally concerned about safety."

Rawls, of Hayden, has experienced this kind of tragedy firsthand. He was the superintendent of the Moses Lake School District in 1996 when a 14-year-old shot and killed an algebra teacher and two students. That preceded the 1999 shooting at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colo.

"The shooting in Moses Lake was traumatic to the community, just like it is in Freeman," Rawls said. "We had a lot of parent meetings. The staff was upset and concerned. It was a pretty high emotional time when I experienced that in Moses Lake."

He said an essential part of the conversation is assuring students that even though these events are all over the news and feel like they're right next door — which is the case with the Sept. 13 Freeman High School shooting in Rockford, Wash. — "They're not happening every day."

"It all hinges on the relationship part. That's where our most effective prevention falls, student to teacher and student to student," Rawls said. "We have resource officers in almost all schools, and their relationship with kids is equally as valuable.

"Kids need to be continually educated to tell an adult if you see something amiss or you hear a conversation on the bus or a friend is saying something disturbing," he said. "Students need to share that immediately. They need to tell an adult."

Kroc Center safety manager Dale Eller has an extensive background in law enforcement and psychology, with 24 years as a police officer and experience writing emergency action plans for schools.

Eller said the best way to approach the topic with children and teens is to provide a safe, serious place where they feel welcome to speak freely.

"Prepare yourself to address what might be upsetting them in regard to this topic," he said. "It should not be a conversation you have in passing or in the car. It should be in a controlled environment where they feel comfortable getting things off their chest."

It's important for parents and kids to be able to express their feelings, he said.

"As a presenter, you need to talk about your own feelings regarding school violence," Eller said. "Youth need to realize they're not the only ones dealing with fear."

As for explaining school shootings to younger children, he said parents need to consider their audience.

"Talk within the scope of the limits of their vocabulary," Eller said. "A second-grader won't know the whole scope of what violence means, where a high-schooler can expand on that."

Dr. Hannah Nixon, child psychologist with Big Lake Psychology Services in Coeur d’Alene, explained that it’s OK to validate a child’s concerns by letting him or her know this is a scary situation. Telling a child not to be scared in a scary situation may instill in the child the belief that it is wrong to have those feelings, or that something is wrong with them.

“We don’t want to lie to kids and say that bad things never happen,” Nixon said. “It's the same thing as getting into a car — car wrecks happen, but we can’t just avoid potentially scary things altogether. Just try to reassure the child that the parents and teachers are going to make good decisions that will keep them as safe as we can even though bad things happen in the world."

It helps to reassure kids by pointing out safety precautions already in place in their schools. Let them know that teachers, principals and staff are trained to take care of them, that visitors are required to check into schools at front offices, that outside doors are usually locked, emergency drills are practiced and resource officers are on site to ensure safety.

Northwest Expedition Elementary School Principal Bill Rutherford, who is also a licensed psychotherapist specializing in children, advised that young children should avoid the media and be sheltered from the news reports.

"Giving them a mental picture of the mayhem that happens in the aftermath of a school shooting can lead to unnecessary mental trauma," he said.

Young children observing repeated news reports of a shooting may not be able to understand that a single event is unfolding on the news, instead feeling that it is happening over and over. And frightening scenes of kids fleeing from a school can paint a scary visual image that may stick with them, causing nightmares.

“Timing is key,” Rutherford said. "Definitely don’t try to have the talk with them right before bedtime. Children need time to process the information.”

He also explained the importance of not having adult discussions of these situations in front of young children, who can pick up on adults' fears and anxieties.

Rutherford and Nixon both hit on one key point — encourage children to open up to other adults. Parents are not the only person responsible for a child through the course of the day. They should feel comfortable enough to be able to talk to teachers, friends' parents, grandparents, coaches, school staff and other trusted adults. These are people who also care about your child and their feelings, and they often have received some kind of training to help ensure safety.

For more details and tips about speaking to your children about school shootings, visit: www.nasponline.org/resources-and-publications/resources/school-safety-and-crisis/school-violence-prevention/school-violence-prevention-tips-for-parents-and-educators.