Modifier saves a reader's life

Mark these words, Dear Readers: Grammar can save lives.

Your Mrs. Language Person has said it before and, alas, must again repeat. Do not eat Grandma! Never should one propose, “let’s eat Grandma.” Need it be said? Naught but a comma will thus spare the poor old bag:

“Let’s eat, Grandma.”

Not to worry. Commas are not the only sword in MLP’s sheath; simple logic — its linguistic use increasingly rare — may yet save another soul. One Ms. Barbara Person did in desperation recently write your MLP (thank you, MBP, for your old-fashioned, handwritten appeal). Her words so poignant; her need so urgent:

“Dear MLP, I am 86 years old and who knows how much longer I’ll be around. Before I die, I must know if the phrase, ‘he ran her over’ is good grammar? To me it’s as bad as saying, ‘throw momma from the train a kiss.’ Please enlighten me so I can die in peace. After I hear from you, I can scratch one more thing from my bucket list.”

Dearest Ms. Barbara Person, how your MLP hopes it is not too late!

He ran over her. (There! Bucket List, check.)

If he ran her over, is it over again? Or did he run her over a barrel, over a bug, or over your MLP’s lifeless body? Throw Momma a kiss, please; don’t throw her from the train (not when a little shove will do).

Misplaced modifiers change meaning, or at least confuse the listener.

“Li thought about his sick baby running the marathon.” No wonder baby’s sick; she didn’t train for that race. “Running the marathon, Li thought about his sick baby.” A little switcheroo and Baby is safely returned to the cradle.

“Ali nearly burned every meal he cooked.” There’s a head-scratcher: Did Ali burn nearly every meal, or is it true that every meal was nearly burned? Order is logic’s foundation.

Modifiers also dangle, with nothing in their grasp:

“Ears drooping to the floor, Leila wondered how the dog could walk.” No way to logically reorder that sentence without adding words. Or perhaps Leila needs reconstructive surgery.

Modifiers may squint, too, or, as your MLP prefers to say, some are two-way modifiers. Like a mirror.

“Jen said after the project started she would quit.” The middle could modify either the beginning or end, couldn’t it? Did Jen merely make an announcement after the project had begun, or is she actually walking out before project completion? If it’s too confusing, repositioning may not be enough. “After the project started, Jen announced her December departure.” Now the boss knows where Jen stands.

Misplaced, dangling, and squinting modifiers make mincemeat of language logic. Please, Dear Readers, be ever-so-careful where you place your words. Sticks and stones aside, words can kill old ladies. Just ask Ms. Barbara Person and Grandma.

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Mrs. Language Person and Sholeh Patrick are columnists for the Hagadone News Network. Contact them at Sholeh@cdapress.com.