Birth mothers connect to heal

Every life has its stories. Some are joyous, easily shared. Others may be too painful to talk about, but not without hope.

Our stories make us who we are; sometimes it’s those hardest to tell which most shape our lives.

Children are like that.

Parents can easily imagine what it’s like to be separated from a son or daughter. Now take that feeling of separation, and add the unknown. Where is he? What is her life like; is she healthy? Is he happy or struggling? Does she have her own children?

Does he look like me?

Whatever the reason (youth, illness, poverty, lack of support — there are countless scenarios), when a birth mother gives up a child for adoption, questions inevitably linger. Emotions are strong, not merely when separation begins, but generally lifelong. Thoughts, feelings, and perceptions shift and evolve as years pass, but for many, if not all, birth mothers, the intensity doesn’t much change.

And always the connection lingers, nature’s umbilical cord tugging in both directions.

Many birth moms are hesitant to reach out even after the child becomes an adult, careful to respect the privacy of a life whose stories are unfamiliar. Contact might be a disruption for the child, the adoptive parents, and family relationships. Perhaps the child is aware of the adoption, but does not want contact. Perhaps they don’t now, but may later.

Perhaps they never will, so the heart’s questions must remain unanswered.

This tumult of feeling and thought is like a broken circle. A story without an end, or even a middle. As retiring minister Deidre Ashmore knows all too well, people with such stories do go on, but they don’t always heal. Feelings of shame and secrecy often prevent that.

So she’s doing something about it: She’s creating a healing circle for birth mothers. Deidre has her own story; she’s a birth mom who did get in touch with her son. He was willing to communicate and, by amazing coincidence, lived nearby. She bravely, openly and publicly shared her story, hoping to help other birth moms heal by connecting with and supporting one another.

Deidre invites birth mothers to join her on Mother’s Day weekend, Friday, May. 12 at 1 p.m. at the Coeur d’Alene Public Library. Learn more at Birthmothers

healingcircle.org or contact her at birthmothershc@gmail.com.

If this is your story, you’re not alone.

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Sholeh Patrick is a columnist for the Hagadone News Network. Contact her at Sholeh@cdapress.com.