Are you parenting too much?

COEUR d’ALENE — Many parents worry they haven’t done enough to prepare their children for success as adults, but some experts say moms and dads may want to consider whether they’re doing too much.

Julie Lythcott-Haims, a former dean of freshmen at Stanford University, explains that over-parenting, or “helicopter parenting,” leads to increased rates of anxiety and depression in college students because they don’t develop self-sufficiency and struggle without parental guidance.

WHAT IS A HELICOPTER PARENT?

The term “helicopter parent” came from Dr. Haim Ginott’s 1969 book Between Parent and Teenager, where teens described their parents as hovering over them like helicopters. But the term became popular in the 1990s after former school principal Jim Fay and psychiatrist Foster W. Cline used it in their 1990 book, Parenting with Love and Logic.

In 2011, the term was added to the dictionary, although therapists like Sara Heise, a licensed clinical social worker and private practitioner at Mindful Family Therapy in Coeur d’Alene, prefer to call the phenomenon “over-parenting.” Heise defines over-parenting as being “over controlling, over protecting, and over perfecting.” The term “helicopter parent” technically refers to a style of parenting where an overprotective mom or dad discourages their child’s independence by “hovering” and navigating life’s challenges for them.

TOO INVOLVED? NOT GOOD

Lythcott-Haims wrote about the connection between mental health, professional success, and helicopter parenting in her 2015 book How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success. Lythcott-Haims penned the book after observing the growing number of freshman students who were academically prepared for college, but lacked the skills required to be a successful, independent adult.

Even though research hasn’t proven over-parenting is the cause, there’s an overwhelming correlation between mental health issues in college students and helicopter parents, according to several studies across the U.S.

Research shows Lythcott-Haims’ experience at Stanford is not an elite school-specific issue. A 2013 survey from the American College Health Association showed that out of 100,000 college students from 153 different schools, including small liberal arts colleges, large research universities, religious and nonreligious institutions from large to small, 84.3 percent felt overwhelmed by all they had to do; 60.5 percent felt very sad; and 51.3 percent felt overwhelming anxiety at some time in the 12 months before they were surveyed.

A 2014 study from the University of Colorado provided an explanation when researchers found a connection between a highly structured childhood and lack of the ability to determine which goal-directed actions to take and when to take them — also known as executive function capabilities.

LOCAL STUDENT IMPACT

At the University of Idaho, Dr. William A. Cone, UI’s student health psychiatrist, said anxiety might fuel some helicopter-parent tendencies.

“[Over-parenting] is driven by anxiety, on the parents’ part, about their children’s welfare ... And we know that anxiety can also have some genetic basis,” he said.

Dr. Cone said anxiety is not only a potential factor in motivating some helicopter parents, but it might also contribute to the students’ struggles with mental health.

“Just like with many diseases, people inherit tendencies toward certain conditions,” he said. “If you have negative experiences and stress, that could precipitate anxiety and depression and certainly having a relationship like that with your parents might be stressful for many students.”

However, Lythcott-Haims saw far more over-parented students in her 10 years at an Ivy League-caliber school than Dr. Cone has noticed in his 15 years at UI. Dr. Cone said it’s not a common problem at UI, but the impact of helicopter parenting on a child seems to be universal.

Melissa Garrett, director of regional recruitment at UI’s Coeur d’Alene Center, experienced more helicopter parents in this area a few years ago, but said it’s been declining over time.

“It kind of hit its peak five years ago when I saw parents doing almost everything for their students, but now I’m seeing more students stepping up to the plate and taking care of things themselves and asking questions themselves,” Garrett said.

Garrett thinks the growth in the number of independent students could be attributed to earlier exposure of college-level coursework.

“We have more students who are taking college classes as high school students so they’re more familiar with the college atmosphere or requirements of the college classroom,” she said.

PREPARING FOR SUCCESS

As Lythcott-Haims noted in her book, a parent’s urge to protect and support his or her kids is perfectly normal and comes from a desire to ensure his or her child’s success.

“As parents, our intentions are sound — more than sound: We love our kids fiercely and want only the very best for them. Yet, having succumbed to a combination of safety fears, a college admissions arms race, and perhaps our own needy ego, our sense of what is ‘best’ for our kids is completely out of whack,” Lythcott-Haims wrote.

Ginott wrote in Between Parent and Teenager: “We cannot prepare our teenagers for the future. We can only help them deal with the present ... Teenagers must make their way in life facing each crisis as it is encountered. Our silent love is their main support.”

This isn’t to say that stepping back entirely is the answer, because it definitely isn’t, experts say. There are ways to prepare kids for life as adults, and one of the most effective ways, experts say, is through the assignment of chores at home.

THOSE GLORIOUS CHORES

The Harvard Grant Study, the longest longitudinal study of adult development ever conducted, revealed that chores are the biggest indicator of professional success in adulthood. And all too often, out of fear of their child’s failure to gain college admissions, parents focus so much on grades and extracurricular activities that they excuse their children from helping around the house. But the Harvard Grant study revealed that actually does more harm than good.

Lythcott-Haims wrote in How to Raise an Adult that allowing kids to not do chores “deprives them of the satisfaction of applying their effort to a task and accomplishing it.” Attempting to fit chores into a busy schedule also helps kids learn time management, a skill Garrett said is often missing in college freshmen.

“They’re expected to be doing two to three hours of coursework [per class] outside of the classroom ... If a student’s not used to time management, then they can easily procrastinate their coursework,” Garrett said.

THE BOTTOM LINE

While Ginott’s book came out in 1969, its lessons still ring true for parents today: “Adolescence is a period of curative madness, in which every teenager has to remake his or her own sense of self. They must free themselves from childhood ties with parents, establish new identifications with peers, and find their own identities ... But like hunger and pain, it is easier experienced than put in words.”