What, there's a game on tonight?

A longstanding record will come into play at the All-Star Game tonight, and I predict it will be...

Tied.

In fact, the record has been tied so often that I’m not even sure how many years we’re talking about now.

It might be the 20th or the 30th All-Star Game since I last watched one of these evening-killers on TV.

Call it the “Malice of Absence,” if you like a play on words.

There are a few asterisks that must be attached to this mark, if I’m going to claim it honestly.

First, it must only include fans who truly enjoy baseball; you know, geeks who know at least the basic statistics – like dWAR, for instance.

I mean, most of us could set records for missing root canal surgeries, but that would imply we enjoy them in the first place.

And hey, I LIKE baseball... so my leaving the television off during the Midsummer Classic for decades at a time actually means something.

NEXT RULE: Actually seeing the All-Star Game in person does not count as a missing year on the couch.

I’ve been assigned to a few ASGs as a journalist, and it really wouldn’t be fair to punish me for that.

My statement — my record — is about considering this glorified exhibition a waste of time. I generally use the evening for something more exciting.

Perhaps reading a few thousand more words about the Peloponnesian War.

I’ll concede, though, that one of my actual All-Star assignments produced a moment of high levity.

It was 1981, and a huge chunk of the early season was wiped away by a strike. MLB, in one of its moments of genius, decided to open play with an All-Star game.

Now to appreciate the levity here, you need to have seen an ASG, a league championship or the World Series from the sanctity of the press box — because up there, you cannot endure ONE minute without someone representing the commissioner’s office racing over to deliver some sort of statistic, like...

“So-and-so just became the first shortstop born in Suriname to foul out on the second pitch of the All-Star Game.”

As it happened, though, there actually was a decent statistic that particular night.

When the final out was recorded and another blizzard of multi-colored papers began flying through the air, someone in the back row hollered out: “Hey, doesn’t this make Vida Blue the first pitcher to be credited with the win for EACH league?”

Yikes!

The commish’s troops had missed it, and now were nearly flinging themselves to horrible deaths in downtown Cleveland.

So much for Surinamese shortstops.

RIGHT, BACK to all the zillion reasons to miss this fun on TV.

Unless, of course, you saw the one classic in 2002 – when both teams ran out of players during the 11th inning of a 7-7 tie, and fans began hurling beer bottles in the direction of Commissioner Bud Selig as he decided that play should be abandoned.

Theoretically, that can’t happen now, because the rules have been changed (again) to allow each team an extra player plus a spare catcher. There is also a catch to that, unfortunately, since it means each side has a player or two that won’t be used — provoking serious boos from hometown fans who wanted to see at least one at-bat.

My favorite rule change, though, takes effect tonight.

Since 2003, the league that won the All-Star Game earned the right to open the World Series at home (and host a decisive seventh game), which is a fairly large prize when you consider that the leagues play by entirely different sets of rules.

Well, that ends now.

What’s so funny, though, is that MLB kept coming up with mighty slogans for the All-Star Game, like: “This One Counts!”

Apparently, we have a new motto...

“This One is Useless!”

***

Steve Cameron is a special assignment reporter for The Press. Reach Steve: scameron@cdapress.com.