How to complain better
In human life as in nature, balance is best. Last week’s column explored the negative side to negativity, but occasionally complaining can be healthy. Yes, complaining with any regularity rewires the brain, making complaint — and its easy companion, depressed feelings — easier and thus self-perpetuating.
However, when complaining serves a useful purpose, it’s actually good for you. When accompanied by honesty, self-awareness, and useful limits.
While no one likes a whiner, when problems come up, carefully expressed complaint can help solve them. To not do so can mean unhealthy self-sacrifices, continued trouble, and bottling up to the point of implosion, or explosion. If that’s the case, the choice comes down to how to complain, rather than whether to do it.
A 2014 study published in the Journal of Social Psychology examined connections among mindfulness, happiness, and expressions of complaint. It found that relationship partners who complained with the hope of achieving a certain result tended to be happier than those who complained without a specific purpose (and, let’s be honest, probably too often).
That may explain why humans have a natural propensity to voice dissatisfaction; it’s a form of communication, and communication is a survival tool. Counselors routinely advise careful expression of complaint in any relationship: calmly, clearly, without anger or harsh words, focusing on the here and now (not “ancient history”), and a proposed solution which considers both sides.
That’s a lot more useful than “you’re a jerk” or “your service stinks.”
Harvard Law professor Sheila Heen provides negotiation training to big-name clients such as Apple, the Federal Reserve Bank, and the White House. She co-authored the bestselling books “Difficult Conversations” and “Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well.” Some of Heen’s tips apply to complaining — whether as colleague, client, or couple:
1. Avoid the blame game. Identifying what’s wrong is useful; name-calling and emphasizing blame aren’t. Choose words carefully — are they purely emotional, or communicating something useful? Instead, pre-empt excuse by taking positive control (e.g., “I could have been clearer,” “perhaps you weren’t aware,” or “I know you’ve been busy”) and avoid putting others on the defensive. Remember, there are always at least two perspectives. Try expressing and invoking sympathetic understanding — the negative impacts the problem creates, and why it’s worth discussing to prevent.
2. Establish a connection. Express an understanding of why or how it might have happened. Focus on mutual humanity: “I know you’re tired/worked a long shift,” “You probably see hundreds of clients/ have too few hours in a day,” or “Is that your baby in the photo? Reminds me of my grandson.” Make, and keep, a personal connection.
3. Keep goals realistic. What do you want? Better yet, what do you want that’s actually achievable? The past won’t be erased, so focus ahead. Offer a solution that you’d want to, and could practically, implement if roles were reversed. Even better, offer a solution that provides a benefit to all parties.
4. Start with bad news, and be honest. Tough messages should be simply and clearly stated up front, so things look up from there, instead of getting worse. Stick to facts and relevant details, rather than repetitive feelings or common exaggerations. Did you wait all day, really? Or was it 20 minutes? What difference did the extra minutes make, beyond irritation?
5. Paraphrase what you hear, from their perspective. To ensure clear communication and to let others know you’re listening fully, summarize (without judgment) what you’re told, and ask them to reciprocate.
6. Be prepared for negative reactions, and don’t let them rattle you. Stay calm, voice volume low, keep things focused on the resolvable problem. Anticipating emotional or difficult reactions such as reverse blame, denial, or tears helps remove their power, and potentially diffuse those reactions.
7. Perspective. Will this matter a year from now? Thinking about the future can shrink problems, or at least emotions.
As with any conversation, it’s how something is said, as much as what is said, that makes communication successful. And as with everything human, success — even successful complaint — begins with self-awareness. Sometimes it even stops there.
“What you’re supposed to do when you don’t like a thing is change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. Don’t complain.” — Maya Angelou
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Sholeh Patrick is a columnist for the Hagadone News Network. Contact her at Sholeh@cdapress.com.