A final Hastings movie spree
The end is near for the entertainment superstore.
All Hastings outlets, including the one in Coeur d’Alene, will be gone by the end of the month. It will be a sad day for all those still pretending to live in the era of physical media.
While I don’t hold Hastings as dear as the place it had a hand in destroying years earlier (Videonics on Best Avenue), I will miss rummaging through the used books and amassing ungodly heaps of cheap, previously viewed DVDs.
Fortunately for Coeur d’Alene, our Hastings location will reportedly be one of the few outlets to morph into Vintage Stock — another chain that celebrates the great American tradition of shopping for non-essential stuff. Still, it won’t be the same.
When you’ve collected as much physical media as I have over the years, it’s actually pretty easy to resist the temptation of spending hundreds of dollars on Hastings’ liquidation sales. Aside from the occasional new release, my collection is fairly complete… or so I thought.
There are certain things I can’t resist when they’re 90 percent off. Here is a rundown of my final Hastings movie purchases, keeping in mind that a. I already own most good movies, and b. these cost me less than a dollar each.
Jean-Claude-Van-Damme-a-thon:
My favorite action star is forever Jean Claude Van Damme, but my home collection has always been a bit underwhelming. A true fan should own enough for a 48-hour marathon.
• “The Order” — A 2001 straight-to-video adventure, not the 2003 Heath Ledger theatrical release. Both are admittedly pretty lousy.
• “Death Warrant” — Golden era (1990) JCVD fighting dudes in jail.
• “Wake of Death” — Far, far away from golden era JCVD (2004).
• “Knock Off” — Late ’90s actioner with early ’80s production values. Boasts a spectacularly awful theme song — YouTube it immediately.
• “Replicant” — Two Van Dammes are always better than one. See also: “Double Impact,” “Maximum Risk.”
Superhero overload:
• “Ultimate Avengers 2” — Straight-to-video animated feature. I will never watch this. 25 cents!
• “Superman II” — Not the superior Richard Donner cut, but still better than “Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice.”
• “Batman: Assault on Arkham” — Straight-to-video animated movie about the Suicide Squad that’s way, way better than this year’s “Suicide Squad.”
• “Batman: The Brave and the Bold Season 2” — A goofy animated series. This disc contains an episode where Aquaman takes a vacation across middle America. Really.
• “Wolverine” anime series — Sure to be more watchable than the “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” movie, which I already own for some reason.
“Darkman” — Sam Raimi meets Liam Neeson. How have I never seen this?
Collection Fillers
(aka stuff I should
already own):
• “The Spike Lee Joint Collection” — Five early films from the director, only one of which (“Do the Right Thing”) I owned previously. A steal for less than 50 cents per movie.
• “Shane” — My brother is named after this movie, probably.
• “Metropolis” remastered — 49 (expletive deleted) cents.
• “Mystery Science Theater 3000 presents Master Ninja I” — Look, I assume it’s a classic.
• “House on Haunted Hill”/“Last Man on Earth” — Vincent Price times two.
• “Out of Sight” — Legitimately one of the best movies of the ’90s. I can finally throw away my VHS.
• “Election” — I’d watch this over Trump vs. Clinton any time. Ever.
For the kids:
• “Zootopia” — I spent way more than a dollar on this, then Netflix added it to their streaming library the day after I bought it. I take no pride in saying this — Netflix is a real jerk.
• “Mickey Mouse Clubhouse — Minnie’s Masquerade” — We all love Mickey and friends, but this theme song can go die forever.
• “Phantoms” — Gotta get the kids hooked on horror movies eventually. Why not start with one with Ben Affleck in a cowboy hat?
Impossible to categorize:
• “MacGruber” — Sorely underrated comedy that I promise is better than watching the rebooted “MacGyver” show on CBS.
• “Mission to Mars” — Apparently I spent 70 cents to remind myself of this movie’s terribleness.
• “Screwed” — A wretched comedy starring Norm MacDonald, but worth the 60 cents to mention Norm MacDonald and his terrific new “memoir,” available at bookstores everywhe… err… Amazon.com. You can only buy things on Amazon.
• “Thunder Ninja Kids in the Golden Adventure” — Worth owning for the cover art alone. There’s a little kid grabbing some goon by his nostrils. If it even slightly resembles the 1992 childhood favorite, “3 Ninjas,” I’m in for a pleasant evening.
• “The Office: The Complete British Series” — Already on Netflix streaming, but those jerks like to take as much as they give. No more, Netflix. You can’t control what I watch.
•••
Score in last minute Hastings mega-deals? Email twilson@cdapress.com to see if I’ll buy them from you. I’ve got pocketfuls of dimes.