ASK ME ANYTHING by TOM NEUHOFF

Press readers are invited to send questions — about anything and everything; the weirder, the better — to former Coeur d’Alene resident and Hollywood comedy writer Tom Neuhoff. Send your questions to: tomlaughing@yahoo.com

Here’s this week’s chief offenders.

Question: I read Friday’s article, “Cameron Column: We’re happy despite PETA.” I was appalled at the condition of some animal shelters and wanted to adopt a pet soon. Have you ever adopted an animal from a shelter and which is better, a dog or cat?

Answer: I applaud your intention to save an animal’s life in adopting from a shelter. The age-old question of whether to get a dog or cat is puzzling. My wife adopted two cats from the shelter the day before giving up drinking. Another day and we would be cat-free today. To celebrate our second wedding anniversary we adopted a miniature poodle from the Burbank animal shelter this past January, which, not coincidentally, is when I started drinking again. I had never fully appreciated cats until I adopted a dog older than me.

Cats: You should know up front that cats couldn’t care less if you take another breath as long as there is food and water left out for them every morning. While you don’t have to take them for a walk and pick up their poop, the downside can be almost as disgusting. My wife calls it a hairball but to me it’s puke. And cats are so dramatic when they cough up a hairball. You’d hope they would find a nice, quiet corner and be done with it but instead they seem to know how much it turns my stomach. One of our cats, Mikey, makes it a point to walk up to me, look me straight in the eye with this sadistic smirk on his face. I know he’s thinking, “You’re going to love this.” Then his entire body convulses while he pukes up this disgusting mess of a hairball. I swear he smiles every time he walks away. Cats always have a way of getting even with you. You don’t want to ever piss off a cat. They’re unbelievably smart. You should know cats are not sports enthusiasts. If you’re like me, you get loud when your team is winning. My wife knows when the Packers are playing because the cats hide out in the closet.

Dogs: People say dogs are Man’s Best Friend but if they were the poop wouldn’t smell so bad. Be prepared to take them for the most boring walk of your life at least once a day. Then they have to spend at least 20 minutes smelling a spot before they leave a pile. I’m sure every dog knows it has to crap before leaving home but for some unknown reason they have to spend 20 minutes smelling every square inch of your neighborhood before finding the ideal place. If dogs could talk I would love to ask them, “What’s the problem? You couldn’t crap 15 minutes ago?” The advantage of dogs is that they let you know how much they love you. When my wife and I get home from running errands, Skippy gathers up enough energy at his age to bark and run around our feet for a few minutes. Then he settles down again beneath the kitchen table and is sleeping within 90 seconds. Dogs are born pessimists. I think the reason they get so excited when we get home is they just assume if we’re gone, we’re dead. Our cats are extremely apathetic by nature and have finally adjusted well to our dog. They both pretty much treat Skippy as though he were a greeter at Walmart.

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Question: I was fascinated by Thursday’s article, “Sex: Baddest Sin or Goodest Pleasure.” Ron Vieselmeyer said, “When it’s according to God’s plan, it’s the ‘goodest’ pleasure, but when it’s not according to God’s plan, it’s the baddest sin.” What would he call it when it’s just frustratingly brief? Not that I’m complaining that it’s brief all the time. My husband just isn’t the same as when we first got married. It’s not always brief. Last year’s Super Bowl halftime was so boring it was like a second honeymoon for us. What advice does Mr. Vieselmeyer have for us?

Answer: I have reached out to Ron Vieselmeyer but haven’t heard back from him yet. I also tried calling your husband but apparently his cellphone gets lousy reception in the casino. At least that’s what he told me from the liquor store later. As soon as I do get a response that is helpful I will contact you immediately. In the meantime we can only hope 2017’s Super Bowl halftime show is just as disappointing for both of you.

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Question: Thursday’s Coeur d’Alene Press revealed Mary Hayes had a 60-pound piece of beef stolen by hooligans from her mobile Mexican eatery. This poor woman drives an 84-mile round-trip trek from Black Lake only to find her meat in the wind. Ms. Hayes said customers told her another Mexican truck in the area had its power cut. This is terrible. Although I had never tried eating at one of those trucks I am going to make it a point to have lunch there every day from now on. None of my friends have tried eating at a mobile truck either. Do you recommend them?

Answer: I grew up in a small Wisconsin farm town and never had anything but American or German food until I was in the Air Force and stationed in Cambria, Calif. I remember calling home and telling my parents I had this thing called a “burrito” at a restaurant called “Taco Bell.” Now I love anything with carnitas. Those mobile food trucks used to be called “roach coaches” but now they’re just as good, if not better, than most restaurants. I remember my first experience eating at one. I was on the Warner Brothers lot years ago, watching “The Bob Newhart Show.” There was an intermission so I stepped outside and saw a mobile Mexican eatery, similar to Mary Hayes’ truck. I stood in line and when I finally got up to be waited on the guy in the truck asked me, “So where’s your ticket?” It was then I realized this truck was only for cast and crew. Too embarrassed to admit my ignorance, I started looking through my pockets. It was then the actor behind me, Peter Scolari, stepped up and said, “I know this guy. He’s on our crew.” Mr. Scolari played Bob Newhart’s boss on the show. I got a free meal and shared some time with this amazing man. To this day not only do I love the food at these trucks but have fond memories of my first experience eating at one.