Cagematch!
The votes are in — Only one can be the true American movie star… named Tom.
Tom Cruise — the energetic acrobat. He flies on the outside of airplanes.
Tom Hanks — America’s Dad. Aka David S. Pumpkins. Any questions?
While both “Jack Reacher: Never Go Back” and “Inferno” disappointed at the domestic box office, the Toms always seem to bounce back. At this historical crossroad, who deserves to be America’s second favorite actor? No. 1 is still Denzel Washington. He’s been there for decades, folks.
Time to dust off America’s third favorite Coeur d’Alene Press entertainment feature, Cagematch! In this Election Edition — the fight goes to the ballot box. Over the past several weeks, The Press reached out to various VIPs to make the definitive choice. Here are the official results, with explanations from the participants.
• Oscar Favorite by Cheryl Boone Isaacs, president of the Academy Motion Picture Arts and Sciences
“Hanks famously won two Oscars in a row with ‘Philadelphia’ and ‘Forrest Gump,’ and voters have been stingy with him ever since. Other nominations include ‘Big,’ ‘Saving Private Ryan’ and ‘Cast Away,’ but he deserved to be there for ‘Captain Phillips’ and ‘Bridge of Spies’ too. Maybe the voters will do him right this year with ‘Sully.’
Cruise… always a bridesmaid. Nominations for ‘Born on the Fourth of July,’ ‘Jerry Maguire’ and ‘Magnolia.’ Who beat the ‘Magnolia’ performance in 1999? Ah geez, Michael Caine. He already had an Oscar for ‘Hannah and Her Sisters.’ Pesky Brits.
Look, Cruise should have an Oscar. And if we added that Stunt category The Coeur d’Alene Press keeps hounding us about, he’d be in the running every year. But Hanks should have more than two Oscars at this point. He’s always so charming on the telecast.”
Winner: Hanks.
• My Go-To Protagonist by Steven Spielberg
“Cruise did me proud with ‘Minority Report,’ and together we made a bunch of pretty good predictions about technology in the future. We made ‘War of the Worlds’ in 2005, and we explored a lot of interesting themes about post 9/11-America. Then Tom had to jump on Oprah’s couch and ruin everything. People forgot ‘War of the Worlds’ and started crediting ‘Cloverfield’ with all the cool theme stuff. Hanks, I mean what can you say? The true everyman in ‘Saving Private Ryan.’ The formidable foil to Leo DiCaprio in ‘Catch Me If You Can.’ Whatever he did in ‘The Terminal.’ The great performance everybody took for granted in last year’s ‘Bridge of Spies.’ Also, this guy never cost me $100 million by jumping on a (expletive deleted) talk show couch.”
Winner: Hanks.
• Best Recruiting Tool, by the Head of the Church of Scientology
Winner: Boss Man, err Cruise. “But I really liked ‘The Terminal.’”
• Most Viable Franchise Anchor by the Overlord of Hollywood (name redacted — might be Steven Spielberg)
“Cruise is the face of Hollywood’s most consistent action series, the ‘Mission: Impossible’ films (just ignore the second movie). While the ‘Jack Reacher’ franchise may be in jeopardy after just two entries, Cruise will board next year’s reboot of ‘The Mummy.’ We made money on three of those just with Brendan Fraser.
Hanks faces only one major franchise — the Dan Brown series that started with ‘The Da Vinci Code.’ The third film, ‘Inferno,’ opened in second place behind the second weekend of a Madea Halloween movie. Tyler Perry’s a guy who gets franchises.
But wait! Hanks is the anchor to Disney/Pixar’s ‘Toy Story’ series, voicing Woody. Three giant movies with another on the way, plus television specials and untold merchandising tie-ins. I have Hanks to thank for my moon house.”
Winner: Hanks.
• Lover of Russia by Vladimir Putin
Winner: Hanks. “I’m told he was very nice while attending ‘Bridge of Spies.’”
• Best Stuntman by the ghost of Evel Knievel
“The motorcycle work in the ‘Mission: Impossible’ franchise alone is enough for Cruise to earn my vote. Plus, he hung on the outside of that tall building. Dude is crazy.
While I’m sure Hanks is in fine shape (a little peckish-looking in ‘Cast Away’), I don’t recall many moments where he even runs anywhere. That giant keyboard dance in ‘Big’ was impressive though. I could jump over that giant piano on my bike, easy. Also, BOO!”
Winner: Cruise.
• Razzie Collector by Mr. Golden Raspberry
“We don’t take these awards too seriously, so I had to check IMDB to see if we ever even nominated Hanks as the Worst Actor. We probably should have nailed him for ‘Larry Crowne,’ especially since it was such a step down from his previous directorial effort, ‘That Thing You Do!’ A bunch of folks told us to nominate his multi-role performance in ‘Cloud Atlas,’ but we agree with The Coeur d’Alene Press that the movie is secretly pretty good.
Cruise ‘won’ the title of Worst Onscreen Couple with Brad Pitt for ‘Interview with a Vampire,’ and we nominated him for Worst Actor on ‘Cocktail’ and ‘War of the Worlds’ too. With ‘WOTW,’ we admit we were still irritated by the couch thing. Take that one away, sure, but what was he doing in the ‘Rock of Ages’ movie?”
Winner: Cruise.
• Best Cameo-r by the guy who coined the phrase “October Surprise”
“I chuckled at the sight of animated Tom Hanks in ‘The Simpsons Movie,’ and there’s a nice ‘Toy Story’ callback at the end of the first ‘Cars’ movie.
The IMDB is trying to hide Cruise’s cameo in the third ‘Austin Powers’ movie, but nothing slips past October Surprise Joe. Does his role in ‘Tropic Thunder’ count as a cameo? People say they didn’t even recognize him until the end credits, but ol’ Joe has the eyes of an American eagle.”
Winner: Cruise.
• Mr. Likable by Tyler Wilson, junior contributor for The Coeur d’Alene Press
“As much as I love Tom Hanks, I’m still a big Cruise admirer. Yes, the Scientology thing is tricky. Ultimately, I just love how hard the guy works to get butts in the seats. He knows we were mad at him — so he started risking his life doing insane stunts. He knows we think he’s a bit too cocky and preachy, so he made a fun movie called ‘Edge of Tomorrow’ where his character is killed repeatedly in a time loop. Cruise gives the people what they want. Sure, none of us went to see the ‘Jack Reacher’ sequel. But we’re all going to rent that sucker for sure.
Then Tom Hanks returned to ‘Saturday Night Live’ and introduced the world to David S. Pumpkins. It’s a stunning, late-breaking victory.
Winner: Hanks.
Final vote: Hank beats Cruise 5-4. Thanks for the swing vote, Russia!
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Tyler Wilson can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.