Yes, 'Kindergarten Cop 2' is a real thing

It’s time again for Great Quotes in Cinematic History. Today’s entry comes to us from all the way back in 1990:

“I’m the party pooper!” — Arnold Schwarzenegger as Detective John Kimble in “Kindergarten Cop.”

Those words resonate today as much as they did 26 years ago.

Looking back on the filmography of the muscleman, former Governor of California, you simply must consider “Kindergarten Cop” to be in the top… half of that esteemed list.

“Kindergarten Cop 2,” an unrelated, Schwarzenegger-less, direct-to-video sequel, is available this week on Netflix’s streaming service and other digital outlets. It stars Swedish-sorta-action hero and “Rocky IV” villain Dolph Lundgren as an FBI agent who poses as a kindergarten teacher in order to uncover a flash drive containing the identities of every person in the Federal Witness Protection program. Airtight premise!

If you’re thinking 26 years is too late for a sequel to “Kindergarten Cop” without Arnold, you’re right. There’s no logical reason this movie should exist, If anything, the filmmakers should have just waited a year or two longer to get Schwarzenegger back in the fold. He’s one more awful “Terminator” reboot from screaming “It’s not a tumor!” on the street for wads of five-dollar-bills.

No matter. Dolph “Real-life Rocket Scientist” Lundgren is here with his perfectly chiseled, 58-year-old body to tease kids about dangerous allergies and to flirt with gorgeous women half his age.

A movie such as this transcends normal film criticism. Instead, everything you need to know about “Kindergarten Cop 2” (referred henceforth as “KC-2”) is presented below in a series of loosely connected thoughts I had while watching this new classic:

• Dolph’s character is a Bizzaro version of George Costanza in that “Seinfeld” episode where Jerry tries to buy a new car at Puddy’s dealership. Both Dolph and George desperately want a Twix bar out of a temperamental vending machine. In “Seinfeld,” George rigs a candy bar taste test to expose the mechanic who stole his chocolate. In “KC-2,” Dolph threatens the inanimate object with a bullet to the face. Different styles, same mission: Get the Twix bar.

• “KC-2” contains more gratuitous close-ups of female body parts than a “Fast & Furious” movie.

• Dolph thinks kids are soft in 2016. They don’t eat gluten, and one kid refers to his lunch as “Meatless Monday.” Another kid’s legal first name is Cowboy. Dolph does not like this.

• An extended gag treats potential peanut exposure like an anthrax outbreak.

• In the original story pitch, Dolph had an Indian sidekick named Sanjt. The role was scrapped and replaced in the film by former MTV VJ Bill Bellamy (not an Indian) as an FBI agent named Sanders. At the time of publication, the film’s Wikipedia page still lists Sanjt as Dolph’s partner instead of Sanders.

• Best line of dialogue in the movie: “You’re on thin ice, BUCKO!”

• Every female character in “KC-2” wants to make babies with Dolph Lundgren, despite the fact he looks exactly like 58-year-old DOLPH LUNDGREN.

• There are two rival kindergarten classes, and they settle their differences with an emotionally abusive game of Capture the Flag.

• The screenwriters really want you to know the movie takes place in 2016. Look, an Uber joke! The IT guy watches “Game of Thrones!” Guys, did you hear? It’s 2016!

• Dolph talks to a pig.

• Highly skilled FBI agent Dolph Lundgren allows a group of stick-wielding toddlers to attack murderers with guns. Sticks beats guns, so take that NRA.

• The final fight takes place between Dolph and another big guy in a shallow creek. Dolph’s still got the chops to beat down lumbering, vaguely European villains. After defeating the goon, Dolph quips, “Class dismissed.” Note to aspiring screenwriters: This is how you do it.

• Spoiler alert for “KC-2!” At the end of the film, Dolph beats the bad guys, saves the kids and returns to normal work at the FBI. In the final scene, he returns to the school and declares his love for the hot teacher half his age.

Let me put on my critic cap real quick. The scene rings false. Dolph shouldn’t be going back for the girl. He should be going back for the kids! The kids are what made him a better man.

In the original film, Arnie quits police work to become a full-time teacher. To me, Dolph’s final actions in “KC-2” tramples on the legacy of “Kindergarten Cop Prime.”

• I’ve never seen “Gone with the Wind” in its entirety. But I’ve seen “Kindergarten Cop 2.” No regrets.

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Tyler Wilson can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.