Teasing hurts
Being bullied, teased, harassed or intimidated by a friend is hurtful and often has lifelong effects. Everyone has a story of being teased for having red hair, blonde hair, green hair or no hair. Harassed for being overweight, skinny, too muscular, too flabby or possibly even too normal. We often reciprocate the teasing by attacking our friend’s imagined shortcomings.
As a child I have been teased for looking at a pretty girl, not looking at a pretty girl, being too skinny, having long hair, having no hair, having pimples, for having baby skin, for having girly arms and for having a ridiculously stupid name when spelled backward (Bill spelled backwards is Llib — not sure why this is worthy of teasing, but it is).
In each case of teasing I am affected. Often I tease back looking for a target to shoot with my arrow of anger.
“Well; you’re stupid,” I yell as an attack to dethrone the teaser. If an instant response is not offered, I’d laugh, “See, you don’t even know what to say — stupid!” I might have won the battle but often lose the war.
Simple teasing and quick retorts hurt my inner soul while I don my protective exterior armor. Remaining strong and unaffected while at school, I continue to doubt by appearance, my intellect, my being. At home, after a day of put-downs and friendly slams I examine my wounds.
Looking in the bathroom mirror I flex my small bicep realizing its feminine attributes. I turn my cheek to the left to view the small blackhead growing on my chin and dissect the ugly, undefined color of my dishwater blonde hair. My friends are right: I’m not attractive. I’m a freaky side-show. I’m stupid.
Teasing is different from bullying with often the same result. Bullying is defined as the aggressor repeatedly engaging in negative actions against another student in an attempt to gain control over the target. In teasing, both parties are often aggressive and are often friends. This does not change the effect teasing has on both parties and often is more confusing.
When a friend hurts our heart with words, we deflect and rationalize the attack as simple kidding or candor. Unwilling to accept the put down as mean-spirited and demeaning, we accept it as teasing and joking. If we do challenge our friend to be kind, we are often chastised for not having a sense of humor or being too sensitive. This is a war seldom won.
Strong, empowered humans can stop the madness — create a sense of kindness. One must understand when one attacks with words, even while smiling; it’s not OK. A healthy human will tell the friend, “Stop it! It’s not OK to make fun of me or tease. I will not accept this.” The friend now has two choices; stop teasing and be aware of the feelings of a friend or condemn and continue teasing.
A friend who chooses to use words to support and build up a friend has become a better friend and a better person. The frenemy who chooses to continue to demean and put-down has now become a bully.
Send comments or other suggestions to William Rutherford at bprutherford@hotmail.com or visit pensiveparenting.com.