Aging inspires fear - and courage

One of the things I hadn’t anticipated about aging is an undercurrent of fear. Wrinkles, sagging parts, whitening hair, weight struggles, yes. Vision and hearing changes, interrupted sleep, sure.

But fear?

I’d always felt strong inside, embraced challenges, and never resisted getting older or feared death. To the contrary, I’ve embraced it: the increased self-confidence, the relaxed mind. Why should I now feel afraid?

Older friends reassure this is normal, especially in later years than mine. But few care to admit it, and talking about it is uncomfortable. Those who don’t yet face it will soon enough. Sharing fears can help alleviate them and foster human connectedness, so anxieties decrease.

All the more reason to share this perspective of an understated and intelligent senior who, more than a decade ago, was widowed too early. Ever full of life and always busy with home projects, her honest answer both acknowledges and provides a balance one can live with.

“I was extremely scared — petrified would be the correct word — after my husband died and the realization hit that from now on I am solely responsible for every decision I make,” she said. “No one to discuss it with or bounce off ideas. No one to take over driving when I get tired, do chores that are unpleasant or difficult, and the list goes on. Not to mention the physical closeness and companionship — the knowledge that I will be alone in my old age and the future is shrinking.

“I think this is why one tends to look back, because the past is much longer than the future and one has much more to tell about that part of life.

“It seems the world has become a more dangerous place and instead of mankind become more civilized, one has the feeling that we haven’t progressed very far since the stone age. On the one hand there is torture, mayhem, and hatred towards others; on the other we have made incredible strides in science, technology, laws, and medicine.

“Then there is the fear of aging and what it might bring — disability, lingering illness, frailty, etc. It doesn’t bear thinking about and that is why as long as I can keep doing things and moving, this threat is kept at a distance and the mind occupied. I try not to think of the future, but remember Doris Day’s song of "Que Sera, Sera" — whatever will be will be; the future’s not ours to see.”

She ended her letter on an up-note by focusing on the here and now. The sunny day and the unfinished flooring project upstairs beckoning to be finished, the ironing, and a coffee she had planned with a friend.

So there it is. My answer: Focus on today, stay busy, and make the most of now. Yes, fear is part of aging, and we must live with it. But so is perspective. And courage — not the absence of fear, but the determination to keep moving in spite of it.

Each day the sun rises.

Sholeh Patrick is a columnist for the Hagadone News Network. Contact her at Sholeh@cdapress.com.