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Who the heck was Valentine, anyway?

| February 11, 2016 8:00 PM

Never mind the candy and inflated expectations. Put aside temptation to feel jubilant or regretful over love-luck. Valentine’s Day isn’t what you think. We’re not even sure what, or whom, we’re supposed to celebrate.

Was Saint Valentine:

(a) A Third Century priest named Valentine (of Rome) who helped persecuted Christians during the reign of Roman Emperor Claudius II, was thrown in jail, wrote letters to his jailer’s daughter “from your Valentine,” and was beheaded — perhaps on Feb. 14?;

(b) A Catholic bishop named Valentine (of Terni), who helped Christians escape harsh prisons, also beheaded during the reign of Claudius — perhaps on Feb. 14?;

(c) A priest named Valentine who secretly married couples when marriages were outlawed by Emperor Claudius (who thought single men made better soldiers), and was probably beheaded?; or

(d) All, some, or possibly none of the above?

We’ll never know; the record is sketchy. Whoever he was, St. Valentine lost his Feb. 14 feast day in 1969, when the Catholic Church removed its confused history from the official calendar.

What remains is Lupercalia, a centuries-old Roman festival predating all possible Saint Valentine martyrs, celebrated on Feb. 15. Historians suspect that in the 1800s, the Church selected Feb. 14 for St. Valentine’s feast day to supplant Roman traditions with Christian — a common practice of the conquering religion.

About Lupercalia many things have been written. The most salacious describes bachelors who could draw the name of a young woman and allegedly keep her as a sexual companion for a year. In another, more palatable version, the result is a marriage with willing female participants.

History.com describes members of the Luperci, an order of Roman priests, who gathered at a sacred cave where the infants — and Rome’s founders — Romulus and Remus were nurtured by a she-wolf, or “lupa” (evidence that moms who give their kids valentines are not nuts). The priests dipped strips of hide from a sacrificed goat in blood. Walking the streets, they gently slapped the damp hides at women and crop fields; this was welcomed because it was believed to make both field and female more fertile.

By the fifth century, the Catholic Church had outlawed Lupercalia, and established St. Valentine’s Day in its place. Wolves and goats aren’t the only critters in this story; elsewhere in Europe, people considered mid-February the beginning of mating season for birds, connecting it with romance.

Fowl, fauna, fest, or Father, February’s Valentine’s Day cemented small, token exchanges and love notes to potential partners, especially since the practice took off in 16th century England.

Tokens. Notes. Meaning, nurturing, and sacrifice. We’ve come a long way from that, baby.

Sholeh Patrick is a columnist for the Hagadone News Network. Contact her at Sholeh@cdapress.com.