Death's 5 lessons for living

Hospice of North Idaho’s annual wine tasting event Saturday, while fun, reminds the community of what all must face. Yet a life lived well, and hopefully, long, makes dying less frightening. So does removing the mystery.

A natural part of human experience, we too easily encase these important days, weeks, or months in fear and avoidance rather than openly shifting to the comforting arms which Hospice and practical, palliative care — and ideally, loved ones — provide. This we need, so that we might die well.

There is a lesson in this. Five, at least.

Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who worked in palliative care, sharing the experiences of patients in their last weeks. People grow when faced with their own mortality, often changing and always experiencing a variety of emotions — denial, fear, anger, remorse, and finally, acceptance.

Listening, Ware discovered five common themes which she recorded in the international bestseller, “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying:”

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

“This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

“It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.”

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

“This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

“By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.”

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

“Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

“We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.”

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with friends.

“Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved.

“It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.”

5. I wish I had let myself be happier.

“This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

“When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.”

Ware’s biography describes her as an advocate for simple living. Put simply, she says life is a choice. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly.

Choose happiness.

Sholeh Patrick is a columnist for the Hagadone News Network who hopes modern society will lift death’s shroud and make peace with it. Contact her at Sholeh@cdapress.com.