30 days of bad Christmas movies - Days 25-30
The horror show is over.
I watched 30 new-to-me bad Christmas movies in less than a month. I wanted to find another “bad” Christmas classic to place alongside the hilariously misguided “Jingle All the Way” or the Ben Affleck one-two punch of “Reindeer Games” and “Surviving Christmas.”
With the help of Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime and YouTube, I watched Christmas-themed movies that fit at least one of the following criteria: 1. A Christmas movie released straight-to-video or to television. 2. The movie carries a reputation for being lousy. 3. A holiday program with subject matter intended solely for children.
The quest ends on a disappointing note. The bright spots of the month include the Ashanti/department store adventure “Christmas in the City” and the Edmonton Mall advertisement “Christmas in Wonderland.” They were movies with such strange and poor choices, their badness became more fascinating as they went along. I also didn’t mind watching a few of those Candace Cameron Bure movies — they aren’t good, but that “Full House” star power can make anything watchable.
By the way, I watched some other movies this month. In brief:
“Moana” — Decent Disney effort. Good music.
“Nocturnal Animals” — The story within the story is engaging. Michael Shannon steals it.
“Jason Bourne” — Who?
“Pete’s Dragon” — Bryce Dallas Howard wears a hilarious hat.
“I Am Not a Serial Killer” — Terrific and underseen horror mayhem. Watch on Netflix.
“Krisha” — Holiday family get-together ruined by alcohol. Give it a try! Watch on Amazon Prime.
“Manchester by the Sea” — So good, but it will make you feel so bad. Give Casey Affleck the Oscar!
“Collateral Beauty” — I read the plot outline. Oh my, Will Smith. What happened to you?
“Rogue One” — You saw it already, who cares what I think?
Now, onto the last dreck of the year. Ho Ho Ho.
Day 25
“A Fairly Odd Christmas” (2012) Hulu. Live-action movie (with a few CGI characters) of the “Fairly Oddparents” Nickelodeon television show, with 30-year-old Drake Bell playing a “boy” named Timmy Turner. It’s zany nonsense, like watching a live-action version of “SpongeBob SquarePants” or a ’90s-era Brendan Frasier movie.
Day 26
“Santa Hunters” (2014) Hulu. This made-for-Nickelodeon movie begins as a “found-footage” style adventure about a group of kids documenting their attempt to prove the existence of Santa Claus. The faux documentary style is abandoned in less than 10 minutes. My interest waned not long after. Generic and tedious but not especially awful.
Day 27
“My Santa” (2013) Hulu. Matthew Lawrence (the younger one from “Boy Meets World,” not Joey “Whoa” Lawrence) stars as the son and heir of Santa looking for a bride in small town USA. Jerry/Larry/Terry from “Parks and Recreation” plays his elf helper. He decides on a single parent who is a features reporter at one of the more unbelievable depictions of a newspaper in recent memory, aside from the Daily Planet scenes in “Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice.” Her editor (Paul Dooley, because why not?) gives her a full week to write a story about the undeniable power of the Christmas spirit. She goes to work every day, all day, interviews one family off hours, then writes a column. Hey, Paul Dooley, make her work the obit desk, or put together the community calendar, or answer phone calls from the general public. *shudders*
Day 28
“The Legend of Frosty the Snowman” (2005) Netflix. Sorta-sequel to the original animated classic, this innocuous kiddie flick is notable only for narration and singing by Burt Reynolds. That should be terrific, especially if you only visualize Burt Reynolds as Norm Macdonald’s “Celebrity Jeopardy” version of Reynolds, aka Turd Ferguson. Reynolds doesn’t do much — I don’t know, I took a nap for part of it.
Day 29
“Naughty & Nice” (2014) Netflix. A hot shot L.A. radio host insults an advertiser, resulting in temporary banishment to a small-town sister station in Colorado. Haylie Duff (a second-tier Christmas movie favorite) plays the local radio personality “Dr. Love” and sparks fly. Well, sparks in a movie like this mean lots of eye-rolling and minor misunderstandings. Jerry/Larry/Terry from “Parks and Rec” appears here too in a couple scenes — nothing worthwhile.
Day 30
“’Twas the Night” (2001) Hulu. Disney Channel original about a desperate con man who implicates his nephew in a Christmas Eve heist that involves Santa’s sleigh, a time-freezing orb and present-shrinking technology. Nothing spectacular, right? BUT! The con man is played by Bryan Cranston, and with just a few stretches of the imagination, the whole adventure plays like a prequel to “Breaking Bad.” Yes, you could watch the actual prequel, “Better Call Saul,” but that won’t give you Cranston in a red suit ripping off highlights of the Tim Allen holiday filmography.
The lesson of this 30-movie exercise: Don’t do it. Watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” for the 100th time and hug your children. Hope they will never be subjected to such an experience.
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Tyler Wilson can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.