30 days of bad Christmas movies - Days 1-9
Every December I watch the classics: “It’s a Wonderful Life,” “A Christmas Story,” etc.
Time to ditch the routine.
Business is booming in the bad Christmas movie market. In theaters, you can watch “Bad Santa 2” (current Rotten Tomatoes rating of 23 percent), or you can stay home and watch an endless stream of made-for-television sap at a fraction of the cost. Just this year, the Hallmark Channel touts 19 original Christmas-related premieres.
One would think if you’ve seen one winter-themed romance starring Lacey Chabert, you’ve seen them all. I’m about to find out. Thanks to Netflix, Hulu and Amazon Prime subscriptions (plus a little help from YouTube), I’m watching 30 “bad” Christmas movies I’ve never seen before. Sorry, “Jingle All the Way,” I’ve seen you way too many times already.
For the purposes of this challenge, “bad” is a general concept and not intended to be insulting to those who love watching Hallmark Christmas movies. I love watching Hallmark Christmas movies too, but they aren’t exactly cinematic masterworks. To qualify as “bad,” a movie needs to either: A. Be a straight-to-video or made-for-television release, B. Carry a reputation for being lousy, or C. Focus on subject matter unnecessary for a regular adult to watch. This applies mostly to talking animal movies.
Hopefully I’ll discover some hidden gems. This week’s entries, however, seem to be more of the lump-of-coal variety.
DAY 1
“Santa Claws” (2014) Netflix. Produced by The Asylum, a company notorious for cheap cash grabs that slightly resemble popular movies. “Santa Claws” is a rip-off of Disney’s “Santa Paws” direct-to-video series about talking puppies involved in Christmas shenanigans (itself a spin-off of the “Air Bud” series).
I have small children, so I’ve already seen those awful Disney entries (also available on Netflix). This rip-off follows kittens instead of pups, and the chatty catties (the humor level in the film) must replace an incapacitated Santa and deliver toys to the children of the world. It’s so wretched even my 5-year-old lost interest.
Strange takeaway: Santa doesn’t know how to cover his mouth when he sneezes. He snots over a poor nerd three different times. Learn some proper hygiene, dude.
DAY 2
“Pete’s Christmas” (2013) Netflix. A 14-year-old endures an embarrassing Christmas day, then goes through it again and again, “Groundhog Day” style. Given how “Groundhog Day” is maybe the greatest romantic comedy of all-time, I should be more upset about sitting through this tween rehash. It’s pretty watchable though, and the great Bruce Dern plays a surly grandfather who could rile even a cowboy hat-sporting Samuel L. Jackson. New challenge: Watch this movie and the Dern scenes in “The Hateful Eight” back-to-back.
DAY 3
“A Snow Globe Christmas” (2013) Hulu. Another Asylum rip-off, this time of a separate straight-to-TV Christmas movie series, “Snowglobe.” As an added twist, “Snowglobe” lead Christina Milian appears in this movie in an unrelated supporting role. Alicia Witt (a genre superstar) stars as a workaholic television executive who wakes up in a picturesque winter town encased in a snowglobe. Terrifying concept, really. Witt, a typically decent actor, flails around in this hard-to-watch fantasy.
DAY 4
“Pups Save Christmas” season 1 episode of PAW Patrol (2013) DVD/VOD — Sort of a cheat entry. My kids love “PAW Patrol.” I kinda hate it.
DAY 5
“Get Santa” (2014) Netflix. This Ridley Scott-produced British film has the polish of a theatrical release and a decent cast, including Jim Broadbent as a falsely imprisoned Santa Claus. The movie needed to amp its heist-vibe to better separate it from other entries in the Help-Santa-Do-His-Job subgenre, but look — Warwick Davis!
DAY 6
“A Christmas Melody” (2015) Hallmark/YouTube. Hallmark superstar Lacey Chabert plays a fashion designer who returns to her hometown and… makes costumes for the elementary school pageant? Noteworthy only for the appearance of diva Mariah Carey as a diva/sorta-foil for Chabert. Carey directed the movie too, which explains why soft light seems to radiate off her skin while everyone else appears to be shooting their scenes in a dark alley.
DAY 7
“A Very Merry Mix Up” (2013) Hallmark/YouTube. Alicia Witt back again and much better as a shop owner who visits her fiance’s family for Christmas. Twist — she ends up at the wrong house and falls in love with a guy she thinks is her future brother-in-law. Her actual fiance doesn’t seem like such a bad guy, really. She basically punishes him for finding her business a better space for less rent.
DAY 8
“Christmas Under Wraps” (2014) Hallmark/YouTube. One of Hallmark’s biggest hits, “Under Wraps” stars another Hallmark superstar, Candace Cameron Bure, as a doctor forced to run the hospital in a remote Alaskan town. The town’s largest employer is busiest on Christmas Eve (wink wink), and the company’s CEO (Brian Doyle-Murray) eats too many cookies (hint hint), and a bunch of employees keep injuring themselves on the job with tiny toy-making tools (nudge nudge). DJ Tanner falls in love too, but don’t let that distract you from all the elaborate town intrigue. You’ll never guess the secret. Never ever.
DAY 9
“Small Town Santa” (2014) Netflix. Amateurish production values and hilariously stilted dialogue highlight the story of a sheriff (former “Superman” Dean Cain) struggling to accept life lessons from a cat-burgling Santa Claus.
Come for the Santa jailbreaks, stay for the subplot about a missing baby Jesus doll. And if you’re like me and were wondering where the actress who played middle child Al on the ABC sitcom “Step By Step” has been all these years, then you are in for a very adequate surprise.
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Tyler Wilson can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.