First day of school

“Banana and bubblegum please,” announces Quin, my youngest granddaughter when asked what type of flavoring should top her shaved ice. I ask for grape and pink lemonade as the line behind us lengthens waiting for Rory to decide. “Grape and blueberry,” Quin’s big sister decides with a smile in anticipation of the cold refreshment on this hot summer day. Both girls, cooled by the ice beg, “Can we ride the rides now?” It’s fair time in North Idaho.

The fair brings the community together. Seeing old friends, watching kids giggle and laugh and eating too much are part of the experience while offering a subtle reminder — summer is coming to an end.

As summer bids farewell, autumn welcomes with blue skies, warm sweaters and the beginning of a new school year. This fall Quin, the small, beautiful child too little to cross the street by herself enters the second grade and Rory, the adventurer, becomes a third-grader.

My daughter, who I walked to school 26 years ago on her first day, is excited and worried. She wonders, “Will the girls miss me, will they be safe and how will they handle bullies? What if the teacher is mean, what if the girls love the teacher more than me, what negative things might they learn from other kids, will they be OK?”

The first day of school is one of the most stressful and freeing days in a parent’s life. A child nurtured and protected is now venturing into the world without the protective armor of her parent and is becoming autonomous. Embrace this journey of independence. I caution: as a parent you will blink and your child will graduate high school, get married and have children of their own. Celebrate this time and each milestone in your child’s life. Celebration makes life meaningful.

I offer a few suggestions to make the transition from home to school a safe and happy experience for the child and the parent.

• Be excited about this new phase in your child’s life. Avoid anxiety and celebrate going to school. Shopping for clothes and school supplies should be a celebration. Hide frustration when a certain coat size can’t be found or when the clothing bill is more than you expect to pay. Children adopt and categorize their parent’s stress. A child does not mean to get stressed but subconsciously thinks, “Mom gets stressed out when dealing with school issues so I will get stressed out when dealing with school issues.” Being stressed will ensure your child clings to you and does not allow you to leave the classroom when school starts. Your child will reciprocate your anxiety.

• Celebrate the first day of school. Talk about school, teach your 5-year-old letters and numbers, your 8-year-old math facts and read with your child. Ask your child for her favorite breakfast food and tell her you will cook it on the first day of school. Wake your child up early and allow time to fully wake before breakfast. Serve her favorite breakfast and celebrate. Put a candle on her pancakes, take lots of pictures and make this day special.

• Write your child’s name on everything. Last year, the school I work at donated 10 55-gallon garbage bags of clothes to charity. These items were mostly new items left on the playground during recess. Write your child’s name on everything.

• For kindergartners, teach autonomy. Let your child know you will be leaving after he is comfortable with his class. Allow your child to hang up his own coat and backpack. This is the time to set the little bird you raised free to leave his nest and fly. Tears are expected — you and your child’s. If your child becomes clingy and will not allow you to leave, listen to the classroom teacher. She or he will know what to do. The teacher has done this hundreds of times and is a professional.

• Get to know the parents of other children in your child’s class. Go to coffee the first morning of school. You all will be emotionally confused and searching for answers. Trading like-minded stories and feelings creates togetherness. You might form lifelong friendships.

• Offer to volunteer in your child’s class. Children love when their parents work in their classroom. Become involved and become your child’s hero.

• Introduce yourself to the principal while things are good. Getting to know the principal when your child is struggling or has made a bad choice puts the parent in a position of helplessness. The parent’s anxiety increases and he or she cannot advocate for her child successfully. Work together as a team with the principal and teacher to increase your child’s opportunity for success.

• Put your child to bed early. Create a bedtime that allows your child 10-12 hours of sleep a night. A 5-year-old requires at least 10 hours of sleep a night.

I offer the perspective of a mother of three, a grandmother and kindergarten teacher who struggles with this quandary each year. Here is her perspective of sending your beautiful baby to his or her first day of school.

“I have done it myself three times and now watch 25 sets of parents do it every year in my class. It is too bittersweet. You want them to be strong, resilient and independent but you want them to miss you as much as you are going to miss them. It was the hardest for me with my last child and she was the most ready to go to school without me. How does time pass so quickly? This year I have a grandson who started at the same school as his mother 24 years ago? WOW! That really brings tears to my eyes. Thank goodness school starts in the summer so it looks like we should have the dark sunglasses we wear the first day of kindergarten as we hide the tears and try to stay so strong and wish them well.” Our words, “You are going to have such a great day and are getting so big.” Our thoughts, “How am I going to have a great day knowing I will be away from my baby every day now that he/she is at school?”

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Send comments or other suggestions to William Rutherford at bprutherford@hotmail.com or visit pensiveparenting.com.