Five things ruining movies on the Internet. No. 2 will SHOCK you!

The Internet destroyed film criticism.

That’s the kind of broad, intentionally inflammatory first sentence you’re likely to read in many online articles these days. A more appropriate sentence might be, “The Internet changed film criticism, for better and for worse, depending on your outlook and your ability to find thoughtful, important opinions sprinkled between the bluster of less-articulate-but-more-attention-grabbing voices.”

Not very sexy clickbait, is it? No, we need something to really drive The Press Web traffic, so the Internet DESTROYED film criticism. You know it’s true because I used all-caps.

Here now are the top five reasons. People like reading lists, and The Press advertising team can sprinkle targeted ads between the entries. The ads are going to be so abundant, chances are good you’ll lose patience and never finish the story, which means my arguments can get lazier and more nonsensical as they go along.

Even though you’ll be frustrated, try to get to No. 2 on the list. It is so SURPRISING. So INSIGHTFUL. So worth clicking through all the ads, even when those ads only partially load on your phone. Those ads will also crash your browser, and then you’ll need to force restart your entire phone. Trust me, No. 2 will make it all worth it.

Note to the editor: For the print version, please remove the previous paragraph and insert a logo of TITO MACARONI’S.

Note to readers: Even though the presentation is obnoxious, I really don’t like the following things about online film criticism. Luckily, there are also excellent outlets for incisive film discussion, and I promise to highlight those in an upcoming column.

No. 5 - “Six totally overlooked plot holes,” “Seven reasons why everyone hates Anne Hathaway” and other spam content

You see these types of articles plastered below many of the legitimate articles you read online, and they only exist as a means to generate revenue for the hand-wringing corporate drones that rule the world. The stories themselves rarely provide much actual content, and in the case of those “plot hole” articles, many don’t even understand the difference between a plot hole and a story choice. Sometimes those plots holes are even fully explained elsewhere in the movie, but the author was too busy Tweeting snarky comments to notice.

I read that exact article on Anne Hathaway, by the way, and it was one of the lowest moments of my life. Sure, she’s got a little bit of that “I LOVE THEATER” pluck going on, but she’s an excellent actress otherwise.

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No. 4 - Print critic shaming

I’ve never categorized myself as a true print critic, as I don’t live in a big city and have never had access to the advance screening opportunities afforded to larger media outlets. These days, I rarely review anything playing in theaters (thanks for ruining my movie life, kids).

Still, I don’t understand all the shade thrown at professional print critics. Their opinions are seen as out of touch with mainstream audiences, and some people even think studios pay critics to write glowing reviews of their films and scathing ones for their competitors. Nonsense.

On the Internet, everyone has an opinion, and some people think they “get it” more than the critics who see more than 200 movies a year do. In all fairness, some of them may have an interesting and intelligent perspective, but that’s hard to tell from a single, profanity-laden paragraph in a comments section.

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No. 3 - Bandwagoning

As often as everybody fights on the Internet, it’s also a place where people love to agree about hating something. Just try writing a blog on the Internet about how you like aspects of “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” and see how many hateful comments you get about how the movie “nukes the fridge” on the entire Indiana Jones franchise.

Some things you just can’t argue anymore, at least without someone saying you’re a trolling contrarian. You’re not allowed to like the “Star Wars” prequels. You must never criticize “Game of Thrones” or “Breaking Bad.” And it’s probably best you say nothing about “Batman vs. Superman.”

“Star Wars - The Force Awakens” is the perfect example of just how predictable the bandwagoning phenomenon has become on the Internet. For the first two weeks of release, everybody loved the movie, and saying otherwise basically made you an evil goblin. Then the narrative shifted, and the film was “overrated” and “derivative.” More recently, everybody seems to like it again, just as long as you call the character of Rey a “Mary Sue.”

If you don’t know about the “Mary Sue” debate, then you’ve saved yourself from one of the stupidest bandwagoning incidents in Web history. It’s a sexist, hypocritical and lazy reading of the character, and many of the individuals now using the term don’t really understand the definition. Don’t Google it.

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No. 2 - Nitpicking and the “Everything Wrong with” series by Cinema Sins

The popular YouTube series began as a funny, sometimes insightful look at all the silly, illogical things stitched into blockbuster movies. Its popularity, however, has created a lasting effect on how people now criticize movies. While a film may be the sum of its individual parts, picking at every perceived flaw (or sin) doesn’t automatically count as insightful analysis. In fact, many “Everything Wrong” videos are goosed with flaws that aren’t necessarily flaws within the context of the movie.

Many of the videos now are the equivalent of a 10-year-old sitting down to write a list of all the reasons they don’t like broccoli. 1. It is green. 2. It looks too much like a tree. 3. Trees are gross.

Movies, like all forms of storytelling, hinge on the shuffling and execution of established conventions. Sometimes the cliche elements can be arranged into something fresh, and abstract pieces can still fail in its execution. The “Everything Wrong” series suggests there is only one way to see each individual piece, and that disliking one individual piece can be grounds to dislike something entirely.

SOMETHING ABOUT TITO’S. Look, I’m not an ad guy.

And the No. 1

thing ruining online criticism is…

Oh, you got to the end? Honestly, I assumed the advertising steered almost everyone away before No. 2. Then, I thought the mediocrity of post No. 2 would frustrate the stragglers enough to stop reading. I didn’t think this through. Um, well, how about Anne Hathaway? She’s totally ruining movies, amiright?

Note to editors: Make an ad pop up here that will crash the reader’s phone.

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Tyler Wilson can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.