Birthday movie wishlist

Thank you, dear readers, for the hundreds of birthday wishes and emails I received this week. It is always nice to hear just how much I’ve impacted your lives.

OK, I was being sarcastic, jerks. I didn’t get anything, and now I have hurt feelings.

Luckily, there’s still time to make it up to me by filling in the last corners of my personal movie collection. There are some egregious absences, and a few titles that don’t even exist yet. I’m counting on you to force the mighty hand of Hollywood to make my collection the best of the Northwest.

Please send your gifts to the Coeur d’Alene Press main office. As per usual, all hate mail can be directed at city editor Maureen Dolan.

Real things I want

Criterion Collection releases of “Armageddon” and “The Rock”

The Criterion Collection is filled with classics and dynamic entries from history’s most exciting filmmakers. And then you have two Michael Bay movies — the bombastic asteroid disaster flick, “Armageddon,” and the Sean Connery-Nicolas Cage action romp, “The Rock.”

Largely regarded as Bay’s two best movies, “Armageddon” and “The Rock” are still aggressively terrible, which makes the glut of celebratory bonus features available through Criterion all the more fascinating. Since I was a dumb middler-schooler when these movies were released, they still hold a special place in my heart. Watching them is like eating a Quesalupa. It’s not good for you, and mostly disgusting, but mmmm, cheese.

Revenge of the

Ninja Blu-Ray

This 1983 martial arts extravaganza contains some of the most inexplicable moments in ninja-movie history, and that’s coming from a guy who has seen every “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie more times than should be allowed.

Among the highlights — a shocking, unintentionally hilarious murder-by-shuriken to open the movie, a criminal henchman that probably set Hollywood-Native American relations back by a good decade, another henchman resembling Sacha Baron Cohen’s Borat character dressed as a cowboy, and a final battle featuring an animatronic ninja arm popping out of a hot tub. It’s spectacular.

The movie was a staple of my Netflix Instant queue, but the title disappeared from the service last year. I nearly canceled my subscription.

Blu-rays promised

by studios

A proper release of

“Kill Bill — The Whole Bloody Affair”

Quentin Tarantino’s martial arts epic was famously split into two separate volumes, but over the years Tarantino has screened the “true” version with previously cut material. Still, even with Tarantino-philes as abundant as displaced New York Yankees fans (the worst), this proper version hasn’t yet seen a home video release in the states.

“The Hateful Eight” Roadshow Edition

Tarantino’s divisive Western from last year recently dropped on home video via a bare-bones Blu-ray. There’s a special feature touting the Roadshow version that screened in 70mm and features additional content. Now you would think the special feature would lead into that version of the film on the disc Well, tough nuggets. It’s not there.

Uncut versions not

in the works

“Django Unchained”

Sticking with the Tarantino theme, the script version of his 2012 Western is significantly longer, and the film definitely feels like significant material was removed from the final version. I like “Django,” but I think there might be a better three-hour cut we haven’t seen yet. Stop your nerd talk, Tarantino, and get to work.

Spike Lee’s

“Oldboy” remake

The 2003 Korean revenge tale is a twisted, modern classic. Spike Lee’s 2013 remake starring Josh Brolin is a choppy, 100-minute disaster. Apparently, Lee’s original cut ran 140 minutes, and both Lee and Brolin far preferred the original cut. Producers tinkered with the movie, and it became one of Lee’s biggest flops. Lee can be hit-or-miss, but why not unleash his original version? It’s practically guaranteed to be better than the current product.

Locked in the Vault

Disney will never do it, but I desperately want a high-quality, physical copy of the Star Wars Holiday Special. YouTube just isn’t good enough for me.

I’d also like to have Disney’s horribly racist “Song of the South” from 1946 nestled next to my other Disney Animation classics (that Peter Pan song was apparently OK enough for multiple releases). It should be out there, especially since Disney makes gobs of money on it through its “reinterpretation,” the Splash Mountain theme park attraction.

Let’s also have filmmaker Josh Trank’s original version of last year’s sleepy “Fantastic Four” movie. The entire final act was shot without his involvement, and it’s terrible. Let’s see if Trank did it any better! Oh, and don’t forget the 1994 Roger Corman cheapie version of “The Fantastic Four.” The studio still won’t release that one, even after three awful, big-budget disasters.

This is a condensed list. Feel free to send others, and I’ll be happy to exchange them. Better yet, just send money.

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Tyler Wilson can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com. PayPal account information available upon request.