MLP: Punctuate special day

To all who lament language’s languorous demise, take heart! Today we lovers of all things linguistic, we guardians of grammar grace center stage. This, the 12th National Punctuation Day, is at hand! For a few precious hours victorious we are; vindicated by virtue of recognition.

Now, Dear Readers, punctuation is no simple matter of punctiliousness. No; your Mrs. Language Person, Mr. Professor Person, and their ilk do not instruct, correct, and lament merely to vex the linguistically challenged. Grammar is serious business, as any good editor knows.

This is no less true online than on that tactile, tree-preserving treasure, paper. Emoji do not substitute for punctuation; whereas an apostrophe may substitute for a letter (or indicate possession), so don’t skip it. Stop! Using! Exclamation points!! So often!!! They’re meant to be exceptional and it’s (see that apostrophe standing in for the “i” in is?) extremely annoying!!!!

Consider too the lofty comma. Leave it out and you have this rather distasteful, but popularly poignant example:

“We invited the strippers, JFK and Stalin.” (Insert ugly image of Stalin in tassles and heels here.)

Use commas properly for an entirely different message: “We invited the strippers, JFK, and Stalin.” Messrs. Kennedy and Stalin would appreciate both the wardrobe change and the tantalizing party guests. Another popular example repeatedly circulating the odious pages of that death-knell of good grammar, social media, elevates grammar to a life-saving role:

Let’s eat Grandma! vs. Let’s eat, Grandma.

If one is a big, bad wolf (yes, a comma should separate two juxtaposed adjectives), the first version may be intended. Other speakers, one hopes, have different tastes.

The clarity good grammar provides is absolutely essential in the law. How often does the disgruntled public complain about alleged criminals “getting off” on “technicalities,” and how often are these a matter of less-than-careful statutory verbiage? Your MLP went to law school, and quickly learned the value of not only each word, but of careful placement and – yes – punctuation in law-abiding society.

Simply put, grammar can make the difference between conviction and acquittal. Consider a summer decision from the Ohio Court of Appeals – a direct hit against lazy writers and inattentive lawmakers, a clear victory for grammarians! Huzzah!

Please forgive that digression, Dear Reader. Your MLP was overcome with emotion.

An Ohio driver, one Ms. Cammelleri, left her parked truck on the street in front of her home overnight. A local ordinance prohibited “any motor vehicle camper, trailer, farm implement and/or non-motorized vehicle” to be parked on a street for more than 24 hours.

Yes, that’s “any motor vehicle camper” and not “any motor vehicle, camper.” As you might guess, Ms. Cammelleri argued that she did not park a camper overnight, that “motor vehicle” simply modified “camper” as the phrase was written. Long story paraphrased, the trial court said, “don’t be ridiculous; it’s obvious what the city meant” and convicted her of the violation. However, the Appeals Court overturned it. When reading the words of a statute or ordinance, wrote the judges, a court must “construe them according to the rules of grammar and common usage,” adding “items in a series are normally separated by commas.”

Aha! Grammar matters, as a matter of a law. Take that, you skippers of semicolons, you abusers of apostrophes, you lackluster lazies.

The arbiters of democracy have her back; your MLP has the last laugh. If you will write, Dear Reader – professional presentation, love letter, or (shudder) feckless Facebook, write right or (yes, she will say it) don’t write at all.

A final note on National Punctuation Day for those who endeavor to write right. The best and briefest guide to all things grammar is “Elements of Style” by Strunk and White, available at your local independent bookseller, The Well Read Moose in Coeur d’Alene.

Mrs. Language Person and Sholeh Patrick are columnists for the Hagadone News Network. Contact her at Sholeh@cdapress.com.