Paul Graves: Elder Advocate

SANDPOINT — Paul Graves has no qualms about being called a geezer. To the contrary, he throws the term about as a badge of honor, recognition of what it means to be someone “of a certain age” who still brims with life.

As the Baby Boomers roll into retirement, a new dynamic seems to be forming around what it means to be an ‘elder.’ Far from pointing to a state of decrepitude, Graves uses that word, too, in an entirely positive context.

In many ways, he has become a point man for not only his own generation, but also the families who face decisions that come with growing older. Graves is in the vanguard of those who advocate for elders — he explores new trends on the horizons of health care, legal considerations and financial matters and reports back from the front.

A “retired and refocused” United Methodist minister, he spent five years as a geriatric social worker and administrator of an assisted living facility before launching his own organization called Elder Advocates in 2005. Beyond that, he serves as a volunteer Hospice chaplain, acts as chairman of the Circles Initiative — a relationship-based strategy to end poverty in Bonner County — and is one of the founders of the Daybreak Center, an adult day care center located in Sandpoint.

His resumé also includes having served as Sandpoint’s mayor and being a popular columnist and workshop leader on topics related to elders. The most telling professional description, however, might be the one on his Elder Advocates business card, which describes his title as Lead Geezer-in-Training.

What is Elder Advocates?

Elder Advocates is my consulting ministry that I’ve had for 10 years. It’s primarily meant to offer direction for people who are trying to figure out where they’re supposed to go now that they’re growing older.

I don’t provide direct service, I provide counsel to people that they can be OK. On the bottom of my card it says: ‘Providing direction through the maze of elder care.’

Has that become less or more of a maze over the 10 years you’ve been doing this?

It has become less of a maze for those people who have been in it for a while, but there are always new people coming into it. So there’s a need to provide that basic education. I do a workshop titled, ‘Navigating the Elder Maze,’ because people are always needing to find out, ‘What are the game rules? What are the directions I need to go in order to qualify for things like Medicare or Medicaid?’

I try to give a general sense of what they could look at, along with some specific examples of where they could go.

We don’t like to think of ourselves as aging. Is there a certain strike point, an age, where people should say, ‘OK, I need to address this now?’

I don’t know that there’s a certain age, but I would say the earlier the better. I have a son who’s 44 and a daughter-in-law who’s 42, and my wife, Sue, and I do what we can to encourage them to think about not only what they might need to do in caring for us, but also for each other.

It’s harder, the younger people are, because denial is strong. But it’s also hard for older people. I remember we tried for about 10 years to get my folks to write out a will. It was almost like, ‘If I have a will written out, I’m going to die sooner.’ There’s a lot of superstition surrounding aging and death. I try to help people take the spooks out of their aging.

Are there more options for people addressing these questions than there were a decade ago?

I think so. The living facilities haven’t changed, but the ancillary facilities and agencies seem to have increased. Doctors seem to be more alert to aging issues – they’re not as afraid of them. I think there’s a positive trend in dealing with aging in more realistic ways and that’s encouraging.

What about the personal voice in all of this? There seems to be an evolution where the elderly have more say in how they’re cared for and where they want to live. Am I overstating that?

No, I don’t think so. I have been a champion of people having a voice and a lot of other people are speaking up on behalf of older people, as well, to say that when you’re involved in making decisions for or with your parents, be sure you really are listening to them and that you know what it is they want.

There are always families that have difficulty with that listening process. I’ve heard too many adult children say, ‘We’ve decided that mom needs to move here.’ What did mom decide? Sometimes, not much.

What have you done to change that?

Part of the reason I write my ‘Dear Geezer’ column for the Daily Bee and that I’ve done four years of the Geezer Forum is to help older adults find their voice. And part of that process is knowing what’s available to them and knowing that they still have the internal power to stand up and say, ‘This is what I want to pursue.’

Have you found that older adults are taking up that mantle and expressing themselves more forcefully?

I think they are, if participation in the Geezer Forum is any indication. Part of it is that they realize there’s good information being shared by people in the resource community and the realization that knowledge is power.

We consistently remind people that knowledge is not only power, it’s hope, as well.

What sorts of topics tend to come up in these forums?

Well, in very general terms, they focus on health care issues, financial issues and — my own personal bias — personal and interpersonal development. Every fall, around the time of the Medicare enrollment period, we do a forum on Medicare and what’s available. This year, we had a lot of people there who are not yet on Medicare, but wanted to learn more about it. We also did a session on veteran’s benefits, which was well-attended and provided some really important information.

I know people in their 40s who seem old and tired and people in their 90s who are full of the joy of life. Isn’t the very concept of aging sort of intangible?

I think you’re right. At 73, I have far fewer years ahead of me than I have behind me – that’s a mathematical reality. And so, the challenge is to be intentional and attentive to the possibilities of having an enjoyable, healthy life. A life that makes a difference.

Tell me about your decision to use the word ‘geezer’ so prominently in your work. Has that offended anyone?

I think people are more amused by it than put off by it. And, when somebody is put off, that just gives me another opportunity to teach something.

When I started talking about geezers seven or eight years ago, I chose it because it’s a wonderful word. People usually think of a geezer as a decrepit, old man. That’s the stereotype that’s been built up. But, when I discovered that geezer, in its original meaning, is ‘disguise,’ I realized it can be somebody who is young at heart, vibrant and hopeful – in the disguise of gray hair and wrinkles.

Is there a particular age when one achieves geezerhood?

I say that people in their 50s are geezers in waiting and people in their 60s are geezers in training. When I turned 70, I realized I still have my training wheels on, so I plan to be a geezer in training for a long time. It’s just a fun way to play with our aging.

How is the huge demographic bubble of the Baby Boomers going to impact things? Will they have different demands and expectations?

Oh, I think they will. But I also think that a 55-year-old who’s trying to look ahead and say, ‘I wouldn’t want to live in an assisted living facility’ really has no need to at that age. Our projections could be based on false expectations of what we’re going to be like.

When that 55-year-old turns 75 or 80, they’re going to be living in a different body. Their health may be considerably different. So I think the projections we impose upon ourselves are sometimes pretty unrealistic.

Is there a movement afoot to mobilize all of this knowledge and experience as a way for elders to share what they know with the community?

We’ve done a little bit of that to encourage people to think, ‘Oh, I could do something like working in the schools or working with vulnerable adults.’ Any place where an older adult can feel as though he or she is making a difference for somebody else makes an even bigger difference for them. They show up to volunteer at school with a smile on their face because they know they’re going to be around happy kids.

If there’s a kid who is not having a good day — or a good life — they see that they have the opportunity to give that child some love that they may not have received or that they need at that particular moment. And that’s energizing.

How much has that crosstalk affected the way younger people think of elders?

Any time we can get an intergenerational conversation going, whether it’s in a school setting or across a coffee table, as older adults, we are helping somebody younger than we are understand that older adults can have vitality, can have curiosity and are eager to see something positive in the world.

But it’s not a one-way street. When older adults get involved with younger people, we have an opportunity to evaluate for ourselves what kind of world were leaving to our children. And it gives you a positive sense that maybe we didn’t mess up as badly as we sometimes feel we did.

You mentioned personal development. How big a catalyst is that for brain health and personal wellbeing?

Oh, it’s big. The more we learn about the brain, the more we know about how we can change the way it helps us navigate through things. Simple things start firing up possibilities in our minds and in our lives and we say, ‘I can do this.’ We don’t have to be victims.

I think victimhood is a common tragedy among older adults. They think they’re done and that all they can do is lie back and let life happen to them.

You’ve played the important role of ‘scout’ — being someone who’s out there identifying resources, finding the right books to read and the documentaries to watch. Have there been any surprising finds in all of that research?

I’m always surprised. And I’m not the only scout. A couple of years ago, we held a couple of community conversations on the end of life. We had 60 people come on a Saturday who wanted to talk about the end of life. We just thought that was so cool, that so many people were willing to take that time to discuss a topic that is not easy to deal with.

A lot of doctors even have a hard time talking about death. I was in conversation a month ago with a local nurse practitioner who is very keen on helping her doctors get more involved in that conversation. Our group was talking earlier this week about ways we could also help support them learn better how to listen to their patients.

A lot of doctors don’t deal with death; they deal with life. Death is an interruption to them and a sign a failure. Well, it’s not a sign of failure, from our perspective, and we want to help doctors understand that.

You describe yourself as an advocate, but couldn’t you just as easily be called an activist for the elderly?

I tend to think the term advocate is an active role. I think it’s important, once you realize that you can be confident in your aging, to stand and encourage other people to be active about their aging, too. It’s not whether we’re going to age; it’s how we’re going to age.

Geezer Forums are held in the community room of the Columbia Bank building in Sandpoint on the second and fourth Tuesdays of the month, from 2:30-4 p.m. For more information on Elder Advocates and its work, call 208-610-4971 or e-mail: elderadvocates@nctv.com