Violent blame game

The issue of domestic violence moved front and center on the national news stage last week following the release of a video showing an NFL star delivering a knockout punch to his fiancee.

Running back Ray Rice was let go by the Baltimore Ravens and he was suspended indefinitely by the NFL on Monday after footage of the February incident was released by TMZ Sports.

The video also shows Rice dragging Janay Palmer, now his wife, from the elevator of an Atlantic City, N.J., casino.

The Rice scandal shines a light on some of the challenges faced regularly by local law enforcement agencies, the courts, and victims advocates.

Katie Coker, director of the North Idaho Violence Prevention Center, said it is common for people to blame the victim instead of focusing on the actions of the perpetrator.

That parallels one of the big questions rippling through social media and other online discussion forums: "Why are we talking about why she stayed, and not why he did it?"

"What happened to Janay was criminal and it should have been treated as such from the beginning," Coker said.

"But had it not been for a video recording, it is likely that nothing would have resulted from the violence that Ray Rice inflicted on his wife. Outrage about this incident only occurred because many of us saw it on a video."

Rice was charged by New Jersey prosecutors with felony aggravated assault in the case, but in May he was accepted into a pretrial intervention program that allows him to avoid jail time and offers the chance to clear his record. He was originally given a two-game suspension. The video prompted the Ravens to boot him from the team.

Janay has been criticized for marrying Rice after the incident and for supporting him.

She released a statement on social media last week after the video surfaced: "To make us relive a moment in our lives that we regret every day is a horrible thing. To take something away from the man I love that he has worked his - off for all his life just to gain ratings is horrific."

Coker said fear is a common reason for victims to defend their abusers.

"Many of our systems fail victims of domestic violence when they do seek safety, so sometimes disclosing the extent of their abuse or not defending their abuser can put them at risk," she said. "It is a myth that seeking help automatically results in a victim becoming safer."

She said that on an average day in Idaho, more than 519 adults and children seek domestic violence services from Idaho community and tribal domestic and sexual violence programs.

"Considering these statistics, are any of us truly taking domestic violence seriously enough?" Coker asked.

Detective Nic Lowry, who investigates domestic violence for the Coeur d'Alene Police Department, also said victims often defend their abusers, and they often stay in the relationships. He pointed to a national statistic: law enforcement or social service intervention occurs an average of 5-7 times before a victim leaves a violent relationship.

"There are various reasons - the abuser is possibly the sole provider, they have children together, the dynamics of power and control, no outside support system, religious-based reasons, embarrassment, and the victim loves him," Lowry said.

That doesn't change the way the police handle a case, he said.

"We offer services beyond just officers responding to a call," Lowry said.

There is a domestic violence diversion program he said, and they work with the NIVPC and other local advocates and shelters.

"The police department is very interested in working with elected officials to establish a family advocacy center that offers multiple services to victims," Lowry said.

There were 14 domestic violence-related arrests in Coeur d'Alene in August, and 18 reports taken that needed additional investigation.

Some people are blaming the aggressive, hard-hitting nature of football for the actions of Rice and other players who have exhibited violence off the field.

Jim Grassi, a Post Falls resident who has served in the capacity of chaplain or character coach to the Oakland Raiders, San Francisco 49ers, Seattle Seahawks, and St. Louis Rams, calls it a "crisis of character" that is happening throughout society, not just in the NFL.

"Sports don't build character, they reveal it," Grassi said. "If a kid has bad character coming into the NFL, more than likely he's going to get into trouble in the NFL."

Grassi - the author of several books on the subject, and a national speaker - said the percentage of NFL players in trouble with the law is actually less than in society.

"Football doesn't make angry, mean men," he said. "Angry mean men come into football, and they unfortunately have their difficulties they've brought with them."

The greater issue, according to Grassi, is a lack of strong male role models in many families.

"Tonight, 41 percent of the kids under 18 years of age will go to bed without a biological father in the home," Grassi said.

The NFL, like the education system and churches, has taken on the role of father figure for many of these young men, Grassi said.

Ray Rice's father was killed in a drive-by shooting when Rice was 1 year old.

The other issue, Grassi said, is a sense of entitlement that's bred into the younger generation.

Grassi said coaches have asked him, at times, to speak with some of these "bad boys of the NFL," and he asks them to consider the types of role models they want to be.

"They usually say, 'I haven't asked to be a role model,'" Grassi said.

He tells them they accepted that role when they accepted their scholarships or their invitations from the NFL.

Kootenai County Prosecutor Barry McHugh told The Press that the Rice scandal points out the "unfortunate and wrong-headed belief among some that domestic violence is acceptable."

McHugh said Janay's actions are not uncommon.

"Sympathetic victims sometimes refuse to cooperate in the prosecution of an abuser," McHugh said.

He said the effect on the children in these homes is often overlooked. People believe that the children are fine and do not see what is going on in their families, he said.

"My experience is that they are too often the next generation of either batterers or victims," McHugh said. "We also see that these children have a higher incidence of getting into legal trouble themselves."

McHugh said law enforcement, medical personnel and prosecutors are trained to gather information and evidence that will allow the prosecution of an abuser without the cooperation of a sympathetic victim.

"We also use community resources to help victims to become more self sufficient," McHugh said. "These services help to break down the many barriers to leaving that may be present in a relationship where there is domestic violence."

The Rice scandal does have a silver lining, McHugh said.

"It is raising awareness nationally to the tragedy of domestic violence," McHugh said. "I am hopeful that the outcome will be a decrease in these incidents because of increased awareness and harsher penalties for abusers."

The video released by TMZ can be viewed here: bit.ly/1wrI5nD

The Associated Press contributed to this report.