How to let go of your YA

After a 4,000-mile college road trip, coming home to an empty nest borders on the surreal. After four kids, you'd think we'd be jumping for joy.

We're not. Yes, the assurance of time for each other and ourselves rejuvenates the spirit and relationship. Yes, it's a relief to say, "Wait, are we done? We're done!" Even if we do know parenting never ends, it merely shifts.

What we (yes, even Dad) feel most is loss. A deep thunk in the chest, like being hit by a runaway train. This is normal, warned the counselor at Earlham College in Indiana. In a helpful session entitled "Letting go while staying connected," Earlham's professional counselor Beth Esposito had the following advice for parents of birds newly flown, first-time or last:

All your feelings are normal. Sad, guilty, confused, or relieved - your family has changed. You will grieve this change. Excitement and joy for the child will be mixed with waves of nostalgia and loss. These will lessen as the "new normal" sets in over time.

Yes, they listened. All the words and lessons which they seemed to ignore did register. Now they'll draw upon that foundation of parental knowledge across the miles and years to come.

Recognize their ambivalence. The child/"young adult" is feeling pulled from past to present to future. Parents will hear both "leave me alone; I'm 18 now" and "why weren't there you when I needed you/called?" Ups and downs, pushes and pulls are normal during this transition time lasting weeks to months.

Resist the daily contact urge, after week one. Let your YA direct the amount and timing of contact; it's part of the independence shift as they find their feet. Be there, but don't hover. They need time and encouragement to define a new and shifting relationship with parents and family.

Try not to solve their problems. Instead suggest how they can find resources to solve them. Encourage seeking on-campus help from advisers, faculty, and peers, or identifying a potential mentor.

When you visit, remember they have new lives. They will be busy and over time, more independent and less informative about all they do. Allow them this freedom and when they aren't with you, take time to explore their new environment and city.

Try not to insist on a major. Some colleges now won't allow declaration of major until end of the second year, giving students a chance to self-discover and explore. At minimum a year of this generally won't prevent an on-time graduation, as long as minimum expectations include academic advising and class attendance/homework.

Limit major changes at home the first year. Going away to college or other away-from-home adventure and feeling uprooted, realizing one's life will never be the same, is enough change for a while. Home staying the same, at least enough to still feel like home, helps them feel the ground beneath their feet. If change must occur, such as moving someone else into their room (try not to change it right away), selling the house, a serious illness, or a pet's death, keep them informed so at least they aren't shocked when they visit.

Time to rediscover self, cultivate other relationships. For some it's a chance to be a couple, first and foremost. Perhaps more time for self - to try new hobbies or spend time with friends. For those with children remaining at home there is more time and attention available. One parent said her youngest felt devastated at the departure of her YA sibling, but really "came out of her shell" and related more with mom when brother went away.

Speaking of children left at home there is of course the cat. Who is purring constantly as I lavish all this unused maternal attention upon her. Let it go, she says in true cat fashion, because it's all about the kitty.

Sholeh Patrick is a reluctant empty-nester and columnist for the Hagadone News Network. Contact her with sorely needed recipes-for-two at Sholeh@cdapress.com.