MLP: It's always time for punny fun

Your Mrs. Language Punster did not always appreciate such silly slips o' the tongue. Groan, she did; roll her eyes and snittily shake her old bitty head. Then she met Mr. Editor Person - that connoisseur of double-entendre, that self-anointed king of punny fun. Sigh.

And thus your MLP - under "pun"alty of divorce - (e)spoused new mantra: A good pun is its own reword.

Yes, Dear Reader, now is the time for an agonized moan. Pity her, you may; such are the sacrifices of marriage.

But MLP does digress.

First appearing in the 1660s, pun's origin is as dubious as its qualification as humor. Perhaps it derives from "pundigron" - an alteration of Italian "puntiglio" (equivocation, trivial objection), or possibly a diminutive from the Latin "punctum" (point). In any case whether incidental or intentional, a pun is a humorous (well, that's debatable) word or phrase which has multiple meanings or sounds like other words.

To "get it," Dear Reader, simply aim low. Very low.

There's more than one way to pun a funny. The following examples are purloined, naturally; your MLP would never claim one.

Homophonic (sounds like) puns - Substitute a word for a similar-sounding word.

"A good pun is its own reword."

"I bet Mike he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said he wouldn't take that bet, because the steaks were too high."

Homographic puns - A word with two different meanings, or a substitution with one of the same spelling.

"Corduroy pillows are making headlines."

"Did you hear about the optometrist who made a spectacle of himself?"

Compound puns - A string of two or more words which are similar to a string of different words. (In "other words," pretend the obvious is funny.)

"Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giants' fingers."

"A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing shorts made of Saran wrap. The shrink says, 'I can clearly see you're nuts.'"

"Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses."

And finally, as Mr. Editor Person has a soft spot for the animal world (whenever he sees a rabbit, he exclaims with eyes bulging, "BUNN-NEEE!"), critters are "fair game":

Water-lovers: "How to make a frog immortal: Remove his vocal cords so he can't croak." "Want to communicate with a fish? Drop him a line." "On the surface it seems whales are always blowing it."

Antlers: "Sign at deer crossing: The Buck Stops Here." "That stag has buck teeth."

Equine: "A horse is a very stable animal." "If you hear it from the horse's mouth you're listening to a neigh-sayer." "After eating his hay the horse had a baleful look about him." "He bought a donkey because he thought he would get a kick out of it." "What do you call a camel with no humps? Humphrey."

Bovine: "To stop a charging bull just take away his credit card." "When a cow gives birth she is de-calf-inated."

Cats and dogs: "What happens when a pointer and setter fall in love at Christmas? A pointsetter of course." "The cat ate cheese and waited with baited breath." "After the dog delivered puppies near the road, she was cited for littering." "The injured cat needed a prosthesis, but couldn't live with the faux-pas."

By now you must be bugged, Reader: "One grasshopper tried to tell another how to eat corn, but it went in one ear and out the other." "Insects that make honey are always on their best bee-hive-iour." "When a new hive is done bees have a house swarming party." "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

Could they possibly get worse, you moan? Without doubt, Dear Reader. Just spend five minutes at Mr. Editor Person's dinner table.

Mrs. Language Person and Sholeh Patrick are columnists for the Hagadone News Network. Contact them at sholeh@cdapress.com.