Parents: Think about why we say 'no'

"Hey dad? Can I take a bath with my clothes on," my 5-year-old daughter, Heather, asks. I quickly answer, "No." Without thinking of my daughter's motive I quickly deny her request believing it unnecessary, silly and childish.

A few days pass and the thought of my daughter playing in the bathtub fully-clothed continues to enter my thoughts. Why can't she take a bath fully dressed? Is there anything wrong with taking a bath with clothes on? Why did I deny my child this childish request? The answer is not simple.

As I examine the motive for my negative response I explore how often I say no to benign and simple requests rather than yes. In the week prior to the bathtub request I deny my daughter's requests to play outside, feed the dog, blow bubbles in the yard, eat spaghetti for breakfast and to build a secret fort from blankets in her bedroom.

I can say yes to any of these requests with little or no negative outcome but choose to say no for my convenience. If she feeds the dog, she might make a mess that I have to clean. If my daughter blows bubbles in the yard she might get soap in her eye which will hurt and she will cry. If Heather builds a blanket-fort in her bedroom, I will have to help her remake her room before she can go to bed. I say no because it makes my life easier.

I also say no to Heather's numerous requests because some things are simply not done. People don't take baths without disrobing, kids don't eat spaghetti for breakfast and kids don't play outside without supervision. I say no because I believe I am expected by society to say no to silly requests.

On Disney's Baby Zone website, Lisa B. Samalonis suggests parents embrace positive parenting. By working toward being consistently positive and saying yes more often with your children, you can become a "yes mom or dad" and create a more harmonious household without letting the kids walk all over you.

see THOUGHT, D2

THOUGHT

from D1

Becoming a yes mom or dad means thinking about options before automatically saying no to a child's request. Parents can purposefully make a change in their speech habits, according to Mimi Doe, author of "10 Principles for Spiritual Parenting." "If you use negative words, catch yourself. Count how many times you say don't to your children. One study estimates that the average child hears the word no or don't more than 148,000 times while growing up, compared with just a few thousand yes messages," she says.

Doe adds that negative words can push the spirit out of any situation. "Of course we need to use firm words at times and alert our child to emergencies and dangers, but the habitual use of no begins to eat away at a child's spirit. Moms (and dads) should say yes as much as possible, without compromising the parents' limits. We often snap a no out of habit," she says.

Embracing a child's inquisitive behavior creates a child who can learn from mistakes, accept failure and be willing to try new things. Children need to explore, make mistakes, make a mess and fail, to be successful. When constantly told what they can't do, children eventually learn not to ask and do what they want to do anyway or simply give up and never make the attempt.

Constantly saying no is unnecessary, silly and childish. I demand more of myself. After this self-examination of placing negative limits on my daughter's spirit, I change. With every request my daughter makes I ask myself, can I say yes instead of defaulting to an effortless no. The answer is usually yes.

Send comments or other suggestions to Bill Rutherford at bprutherford@hotmail.com or visit pensiveparenting.com.