Should parents spank children?

"What is wrong with this country is that people don't spank their children anymore. A good beating will let a kid know right from wrong, who is in charge and teach them to behave. That is the way it was when I was a child and look at me now. I work, respect people and I am a productive member of society. A willow switch to the backside taught me that dad is in-charge and that I need to fly-right and behave."

"Parents just want to be their child's friend. They treat the child as an equal and allow the kid to run free like a wild animal. Kids know that if their parent spanks them, all they have to do is call child protective services and they can have their parents arrested. This world is going to hell in a hand basket!"

I hear these thoughts and sentiments every day as an elementary school principal. If I have the ability to spank a child, all bullying will end, kids will behave and the world will be a better place. Parents often tell me that when "they" took spanking out of the schools, schools lost control of the children and now the kids control the school, are out of control and disrespectful.

I strongly disagree. Science allows us to dissect the effect parents have on their children and aids in determining which parenting style raises children who are respectful, confident, self-reliant and motivated. Not surprisingly, parents who often spank and seldom praise, raise children who are aggressive, lack confidence and are often bullies or become bullied.

There are three types of parenting styles, each having different results. The three parenting styles include:

* Authoritarian parents who impose rules and expect obedience. "Don't interrupt." "Keep your room clean." "Don't stay our late of you'll be grounded." "Why? Because I said so." Authoritarian parents often punish instead of disciplining by either spanking or withholding access to things - cars, friends, television or the family.

* Permissive parents who summit to their children's desires. They make few demands and use little punishment. Permissive parents often wish to be the friend of their child or struggle to find time to spend time with their children. Children are free to explore their world with little parental guidance.

* Authoritative parents who are both demanding and responsive. They exert control by setting rules and enforcing them, but they also explain the reason for the rules. Authoritative parents encourage open discussion when making the rules and allow exceptions, especially in older children.

Each child's temperament dictates which parenting style works best for that individual child. A child whose character trait is agreeable and compliant, demands little discipline and continues her positive behavior when praised and positively supported will benefit from a permissive parent. Conversely, a child whose character is combative, strong-willed and adventurous will demand a parent who alternates between authoritarian and authoritative parenting styles.

It is important to recognize that each child is an individual and requires different support from the adult raising him or her. Many adults raised in the same family by the same parents disagree widely in their assessment of her or his childhood. One child might believe she was raised by caring, nurturing parents while another child might believe that his parents were evil and uncaring.

As a parent, it is important to be fair but not equal. Every child deserves the same love, nurturing and caring; this is fair. Some children demand more time, more resources and more energy from the parents in her or his life. This might not be equal to the time and energy that other children in the family crave but it is fair for the psychological health of the family.

Is it OK to spank a child? Sure; but the parent must weigh the benefit of the spanking over the mental health of the child. Strong-willed children might accept the spanking as punishment and learn not to repeat the punished task while a passive child might see the spanking as a condition of the parent's love and become deeply, emotionally scarred. Additionally, children learn when spanked that hitting resolves problems. This is not the message I wish to teach the people I love.

Send comments or other suggestions to Bill Rutherford at bprutherford@hotmail.com or visit pensiveparenting.com.