Midlife crisis

While driving to work last night I see the most beautiful sunset. The sky is orangey-red as half the sun sinks below the pine-lined horizon. The eastern sky slowly fades from blue, purple then indigo as darkness swallows the light and day turns to night. I whisper, "Wow," as the sun disappears and wonder aloud, "How many more sunsets as beautiful as this will I see in my life?"

The end of my life has been a topic in my conscious and subconscious mind for the past few weeks because next month, I reach mid-life; but I'm not in crisis. Turning 50 years old next month I ask myself, "What is a fulfilled life and have I done enough in my half-life to make a difference?" As an old man, will I be able to die with a grin on my face assured that my life was purposeful in the world I will be leaving?

Theorist Erik Erikson contends that each stage of life has its own psychosocial task, a crisis that needs resolution. As an adolescent, one wonders, "Who am I as an individual? What do I want to do with my life? What values should I live by? What do I believe in?" Erickson calls this quest, the adolescent's search for identity. It is this search that builds our character and creates our true self.

In our golden years we look back at our failures, successes, achievements and losses. We answer the questions asked in our youth, "What did I do with my life? What are my values? Are my beliefs congruent with my actions?" Erikson calls this a resolution of integrity verses despair. When reflecting on one's life, does one have a feeling of satisfaction or failure? Was this a good life? Did I make a difference?

Midlife is a time to check one's life purpose. During this stage of life, one discovers a sense of contributing to the world, usually through family or work, or one feels a lack of purpose.

Am I having a midlife crisis? Chinese, the ideogram for crisis is made up of two separate characters. One of these characters represents danger and the other represents opportunity. Thus the proper translation of crisis from Chinese is as a dangerous opportunity. I suppose the degree of danger in my midlife crisis lies within me.

The psychologist Carl Jung first identified the midlife crisis as a normal part of the maturing process. Most people endure an emotional transition between the ages of 40-60 in which they take a historic look at their life and make adjustments to reorganize that which is not working and celebrate what is working. Many make it through this life transition without making major changes and live happily ever after.

Gail Sheehy in her book, "New Passages," calls the midlife crisis a second adulthood or a new youth. During this rebirth, we often desire adventure, exploration and discovery. If midlife is a positive time of reflection and one feels psychologically healthy, exploration of one's life will be healthy, nurturing and rewarding.

If during this time of midlife reflection, one feels unfulfilled and empty, one's choice to change their life might be unpredictable and unhealthy. Like a child beginning to explore their world, a person who feels helpless and unfulfilled at 50, might make unhealthy choices as they attempt to create a meaningful life. Conversely, one living an unfulfilled life has few options but to change.

As one in crisis measures their life for meaning, they view numerous obstacles, poor choices and misfortune, which confuses and saddens. One struggling in the crisis of midlife might have feelings of:

• Boredom and dissatisfaction in things that brought joy and happiness in the past.

• A feeling of adventure and need to explore.

• Confusion about who one really is or who one believes he is.

• Dissatisfaction in one's marriage and doubt of ever loving one's spouse.

• The desire to be desired by someone younger.

• Anger at one's spouse and feelings of being tied down by responsibility.

• A desire to have a new, passionate, intimate relationship.

For those struggling with big life questions as they reach middle age, life becomes difficult. Should one act on their desire for change or will their actions create more unresolved conflict? Might one's struggles stem from personal absence and missteps in life, instead of another's lack of interest or desire to please? There is no easy answer but without resolution during this vital stage of maturity, one will relive these questions again in their 60s and 70s, and struggle with despair instead of integrity.

If one decides to dramatically change her life by making a major life change - leaving a spouse, quitting a job, moving to Istanbul or buying a Porsche - can one's life still be rich and fulfilled? The answer is yes and no.

A midlife crisis is seldom about things or other people. Midlife is about looking inside and deeply examining whom you really are. What choices are you making to make your life better or interfere with your success? This self-examination requires years to resolve and should never be taken lightly. As my favorite quote offers, "You can look outside the circle and suppose but if you look inside the circle, it knows."

I'm not having a midlife crisis. I'm having a midlife celebration. I am celebrating the meaningful choices and achieved goals of my younger years. Deciding in my 20s to make life purposeful instead of allowing life to just happen, allows me to smile today. Do I desire adventure and exploration? Absolutely! I'm excited to discover my future years with my family and friends and believe I have a purpose. I'm not in crisis; I'm just in midlife.

If you wish to comment or offer suggestions, please email Bill Rutherford at bprutherford@hotmail.com.