Suicide: Time to shut down the club

It's the kind of club no one wants to join. Yet last August, after years of writing about suicide, our family joined the ranks of survivors left in its wake.

What have we learned? Second only to the fact of loss, the worst of it is the discomfort of other people. That is to say, their reactions - the persistent stigma and needing to cope with their feelings, when it's difficult enough to manage ours.

"Your son died? Oh, I'm so sorry." No problem so far; at that point there is only sympathy and caring, even if we'd rather not talk about it. But here's where the first delineation is made, because not everybody asks, and boy, do we appreciate that. In any case, does it really matter to others how, if we don't elect to mention it?

"How did he die?" We answer and there's where it gets awkward.

People are so uncomfortable with suicide that their emotions become dominant, subconsciously overshadowing a desire to be kind or provide comfort. They are stunned, look uncomfortable, perhaps say awkward things or worst, ask for details.

As others in the "club" know, platitudes and further questions are not helpful. The least painful reactions are from those who simply say, "I don't know what to say;" or say nothing but offer a touch of the hand, and move on. Moving on - the way out is the way through. There is no getting over it, only acceptance.

Of course people mean well. This is not like any other death; it comes with particular fear and judgments - stigma. It seems against instinct to want to die, so it's natural to wonder why - was the family unsupportive or key relationships problematic? Was something highly unusual "wrong" with them? Did some provoking tragedy happen?

Hoping the answer to one of these is "yes" is natural; otherwise the conclusion must be that it may be outside loved ones' control and could happen to them. It certainly could.

After an 11-year study, the Centers for Disease Control concluded in May that in the United States, more people die by suicide than by car accidents, with the biggest surge in suicides in the middle-age range - the baby boomers.

According to SPAN (Suicide Prevention and Action Network):

* One million people die by suicide each year worldwide.

* Idaho has the sixth highest suicide rate in the U.S., 49 percent higher than the national average.

* Suicide is the second leading cause of death for adolescents and young adults in Idaho.

* Fifty-nine percent of Idaho suicides involved a firearm.

* On average, 80 percent of suicides in Idaho are by men.

* In 2011, 15.4 percent of Idaho's high school youth reported seriously considering suicide; 6.3 percent reported making at least one attempt. That's reported attempts; estimates are higher, as often people are hesitant to admit it.

* People get depressed. Some chronically, some episodically. Not every depression leads to suicide, but some lead to that feeling of hopelessness and loneliness (yes, even those surrounded by people, even love, can feel lonely) which is the precursor to "those" thoughts. Studies indicate:

* Most (but not all) of those who commit suicide were mentally ill, or had substance abuse issues, or both.

* Most (70 percent in one survey of ER visits) told someone before they tried it.

* More than half of completed suicides involved a positive blood-alcohol level.

Mental illness and substance abuse are treatable. Communicating suicidal thoughts provides an opportunity to prevent it. We must always, always try.

What can you do? Three things.

One: If someone indicates a desire to end it all or give up, expresses feelings that others would be better off without them or there is "no way out," starts giving away cherished or major possessions, or sort of "checks out" of everyday life, tell them there is always hope - one thing certain in life is change. If nothing stays the same, neither will their current situation. Encourage them to call (or dial and hand it over) the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - (800) 273-TALK - and to get counseling. Most importantly, keep checking on them and get others in their lives to help.

Two: Become aware, educate yourself, and spread the word. Stigmas stick longer and depression deepens faster in closed-mouth environments. Help shine a bright light on this, bring it out of the dark. Understand it. If it's touched you in any way, join SPAN's support group at Kootenai Health on the third Friday each month at noon.

Three: Help raise funds and awareness at SPAN's sixth annual Memorial Walk to Prevent Suicide at 10 a.m. on Oct. 19 (check-in at 9 a.m..), beginning at O'Shay's restaurant at 313 E. Coeur d'Alene Lake Drive. To register for the 3.8-mile walk along the Centennial Trail, register online at SpanIdaho.org or contact Catherine Perusse at SpanNorth@gmail.com or (208) 290-6161.

September is Suicide Prevention Month. Let's make "the club" obsolete.

Sholeh Patrick is a columnist for the Hagadone News Network. Contact her at sholeh@cdapress.com.