Breaking bread, not heads

COEUR d'ALENE - A few weeks ago, they could hardly agree on anything.

But Wednesday at high noon, assembled around an Iron Horse Bar and Grill table, two men ordered mashed potatoes with their hot roast beef sandwich, while the other defiantly bucked that trend, flaunting unabashed individualism. With his hot roast beef sandwich, he ordered fries.

These guys weren't just ordering off the same menu; they were singing the same chorus.

What changed? According to Jimmy Pappas, who organized the lunch, his viewpoint did.

"I really thought about it and decided, 'I don't even know these guys. Maybe I should.'"

The trio rubbing elbows and mopping up beef gravy Wednesday - Pappas, 53, Phil Membury, 86, and Paul Ciruso, 75 - got to know each other pretty well in the span of an hour or so, but the impetus for the gathering goes back a little further.

In a "My Turn" column published May 10, the oft-acerbic yet always witty Pappas had expounded on the need for greater civil discourse in the community, starting with himself.

"So there it is," he wrote at the conclusion of that column. "I have much more in common with conservatives than I would presently care to admit. I have also discovered that it works both ways. We do have a lot of common ground, and there is usually only one or two vital issues that separate us that can easily be solved with discriminating compromise. So let us challenge each other on the issues, try not to make it personal, and appreciate the wisdom of Baltazar Gracian, who wrote, 'Reserve is the seal of capacity.' Cheers!"

To which Membury responded in a letter to the editor published May 15: "Well lo and behold - a column from Jimmy Pappas with which I can wholeheartedly agree at least up to 90 percent or more."

And in the same May 15 edition of the paper, Ciruso wrote: "The problem with civility is that it's just too bland for the haters. Personally, I think anyone yelling fire in a crowded theater should be rewarded with a broken nose, not a misdemeanor arrest. I do agree with Jimmy that having a political party 'brand' attached to one's person seems like having a scarlet letter stamped on your behind."

Wednesday turned out to be a red letter day for three guys who'd never met each other before.

Sure, politics and religion crept into the conversation, but the rest of the chatter dealt more with the men as men than as political adversaries.

They chatted about their careers, their hobbies and Pappas even shared a tale about the first time he cut his own hair.

"It looked like a crop circle on top," said the beefy truck driver.

Membury, a soft-spoken former electrical engineer, was stunned to discover halfway through lunch that he and Pappas were practically neighbors in Coeur d'Alene. And Ciruso, a former district manager for Chicago Rawhide, was quick with snappy rejoinders and flashing smiles.

When it was over, they were asked what advice they might have to promote the same sort of civility that led to three very different individuals sharing some common grub - and ground.

"Get people to read the U.S. Constitution, the Gettysburg Address, the Mayflower Compact," suggested Membury. "They'll think, 'Oh, yeah. That seems reasonable.'"

"It's too easy to get cranked up," Ciruso said of unleashing scathing sentiments, particularly in letters to the editor or personal email. "Once it's gone you can't take it back." He advised and the others agreed that before submitting an angry missive, the writer should allow some time to pass, review it and decide it if still represents what the writer wanted to say, and the best way to say it.

And Pappas said seeing an opponent as a person, rather than as a label, might take a little more effort, but it's worth it.

"It's a lot harder to shoot at a guy when you know him," he said.