Bullying, no easy subject
Sitting in front of my computer on my living room couch Sunday morning, I peek out the window to see graying clouds steal the blue sky attempting to warm the Earth. I rise from my seat, pour my second cup of coffee, pet Alex the cat and think: I'm stalling. I pace from the front of the house to the back, give Alex another scratch under the chin and sit back on my perch in front of the screen - nothing.
A week ago I decided the topic of today's column, spun the topic in my mind a dozen times, talked with peers and my wife about the subject and completed my research on the column. Now I sit in front of my laptop and can't begin the conversation. As I sit I think, "If I, as a counselor and school principal, am struggling this much with the topic of bullying, how might one not engaged in the subject daily deal with it."
Most individuals can remember a time when they were bullied or bullied others. The experience is different and personal for each person. My struggle is not to define bullying or even describing what bullying is - I can do that. The battle I'm fighting in my head is how to speak clearly about bullying without empowering the bully or disregarding the victim?
I believe the answer lies in facts. First, I address the definition of bullying, then what research offers to protect victims while stealing the power of a bully.
According the Idaho Department of Education's School Safety and Discipline Manual, bullying is defined as:
misconduct that is characterized by the aggressor(s) repeatedly engaging in negative actions against another student in an attempt to exercise control over the victim.
Bullying generally involves a student repeatedly doing or saying something to or about another in an attempt to exercise control over the victim. Further, while the student's conduct may be similar to incidents of harassment, bullying is distinguished from illegal harassment in that it is not necessarily motivated by discrimination against an individual in a protected class or retaliation.
Bullying is generally characterized by aggressive behavior, or intentional harm doing, that is carried out repeatedly over time. It also involves an imbalance of power between the victim and the aggressor, possibly based on age, physical prowess, or socio-economic status. Bullying often occurs without apparent provocation.
Three themes in this definition are important to note.
* The misconduct is repeated
* The misconduct is to exercise control or power over the victim
* There is seldom provocation by the victim.
Often a child tells me he is being bullied when he is called a name by another child, is pushed or threatened to be hit. These actions, although mean and possibly harassing, do not indicate bullying. If the child is being continually threatened or hurt, physically or emotionally by another student and that student has power over the victim, and most importantly has not instigated the name calling or punch; the child is probably being bullied.
If a child is being called a name, pushed or hit by another student, immediate attention is required to keep the child safe, but the attention required by me is different when someone is being mean than when someone is bullying. When someone is being mean, I need to address the aggressor and protect the victim. When someone is being bullied I need to address the aggressor and empower the victim. I will talk more about this next week.
Prevention through anti-bullying programs in schools and at home is the key to limiting the effect a bully has on his victim. These programs include defining what bullying really is, assertiveness training to aid all students to stand up to a child who bullies, and empowering all bystanders to stick up for kids who can't stick up for themselves. Next week we will walk through proactive, not reactive, research-based anti-bullying programs that protect kids and include what adults can do at home and school to keep children safe.
If you wish to comment or offer suggestions, please email me at bprutherford@hotmail.com