Teach a lesson about lying
"Just say OK," I urge the third-grader after repeating my direction, "Don't throw snowballs at school." Instead of OK, I receive a chorus of excuses. "He threw one first; I didn't throw it, it was an accident," are rattled off quickly by the 8-year-old attempting to avoid punishment. I stop the noise by repeating "Just say OK." There is little I hate more than lying. Telling the truth requires character.
Kids often lie for two reasons - either to avoid something or gain something. When a child believes he will get into trouble for something he has done he might lie to avoid punishment. Conversely, a child might lie to gain something such as freedom: "Dad, mom said I can go to Quinn's house."
A child learns how and when to lie though a series of trials and errors. A 2-year-old might deny eating chocolate while the evidence is clearly displayed on her face. A mother might ask, "Did you eat the chocolate bunny," while chuckling at her little girl with brown smeared on her lips. The girl, knowing she was told not to eat the bunny, shakes her head and offers a resounding, "No!"
Mom then reaches for her phone and continues the interrogation while videotaping the experience with a smile. Although this exchange is cute and will become a family memento, the child is learning. The cute little girl with chocolate on her face is learning that lying can create humor and if she lies, she might avoid punishment.
The same girl as a 5-year-old decides not to clean her bedroom when told to do so by her dad. The father finds his daughter lying on the couch watching, "Sponge Bob, Square Pants," in the family room. The dad asks his daughter, "Did you clean your room?" The little girl quickly says yes without looking up. Believing his daughter, dad sits and watches the cartoon with his little girl. She is learning by lying that she can avoid something she does not want to do - clean her room - and do something she wants to do - watch television.
Children learn to lie. By allowing lies and untruths, we teach our children to make decisions about cause and effect - if I cause this to happen; this will be the effect of my actions. Our children weigh which choice is more advantageous. Should I tell the truth and accept the punishment or attempt to lie and avoid punishment.
Every time a child gets away with a lie, she builds more courage and confidence in her ability to bend the truth. When a child is held accountable to an untruth, she learns that lying does not have an advantage and chooses honesty instead.
Children between the age of 2 and 7 are in what Piaget calls the preoperational stage of cognitive development. In the preoperational stage, children are egocentric and seldom think abstractly. This being the case, children tend to think mostly about themselves and how things make them feel and look at the world through a black and white lens - what's right or wrong, good or bad, nice or mean, loving or hateful.
Understanding the preoperational stage of development, we can teach children that telling the truth is better than lying; that it is right to tell the truth and wrong to lie; that it feels good to be truthful and hurts to fib. A few skills to use with little kids who are stuck in a world of lies include:
* Always remain consistent when punishing a child - never negotiate less punishment. If you tell your child he is grounded from the television for a week for lying to you, ensure the child is grounded for exactly the time you promised. This models truth-telling for your kid.
* Teach children that telling the truth feels better than lying. When you know your child is about to tell a whopper, start the conversation by telling your child that if he lies, the punishment will double.
* After punishing a child for lying, talk about the feeling of telling a lie. Tell the story of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf," or share an experience of yours where you felt horrible for lying.
* Talk with your child about your emotion when your kid lies to you - your disappointment, anger, frustration and lack of trust.
* After a child is caught lying and punished, check on everything the child does. If you ask the kid to clean her room, check to make sure she does. Don't allow your child to do things that require trust - play in the front yard, visit a neighbor, have a cell phone or have a sleep-over.
It takes a long time to rebuild trust and the only way to regain your trust is with a history of honesty. Never give a time limit for when you will trust your child again. Let her know her actions and honesty will dictate when she will be able to regain your trust. Teaching the virtue of truth must be done at a young age. Once a child is 8 years old or older, it becomes increasingly difficult to change the lessons learned while young but it is never too late.
If you have comments or questions, please email me at bprutherford@hotmail.com