We all grieve in our own way
It has been four months since my father's death and in this past quarter-year I've been offered innumerable, well intended suggestions for how to grieve. "Take time off; spend time with family; see a therapist to deal with the grief in a healthy way; and don't hold it in," are ideas offered by friends to aid my emotional journey. I smile, accept the suggestions as positive intentions and go about my life knowing I will grieve on my own terms. Everyone grieves differently.
As a psychotherapist, I've worked with many clients struggling with loss. The loss of a parent, a pet, a marriage or friendship can cause one to grieve. Many clients share the emotions of grief while displaying the emotion to different degrees. One might cry often and uncontrollably while another seldom cries and seems externally unaffected by the loss. There is no right way to grieve.
A common understanding of grief is one misunderstood by most as the Kubler-Ross Stages of Dying. This theory states there are five stages of dying. These stages include:
* Denial and Isolation - denying that the death is really going to take place.
* Anger - resentment, rage and envy which is taken out on family, caregivers and friends.
* Bargaining - the person often negotiates with God for a few more months, weeks or days and promises to lead a reformed life dedicated to God or the service of others if allowed to live.
* Depression - the dying person may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying or grieving.
* Acceptance - the person accepts her fate, develops a sense of peace and in many cases a desire to be left alone.
Many adapt these stages of dying to include the stages one goes through grieving death. Kubler-Ross would agree this theory is a useful tool to understand the emotion of one living after the death of someone they love.
These stages are not linear and appear more like the ebb and flow of the ocean. One might be angry one minute and depressed the next; happy and introspective then sad and furious. Also important to understand is not all who grieve go through all stages - grief is an individual emotion.
An estimated 80 to 90 percent of survivors experience normal or uncomplicated grief that includes sadness, disbelief or considerable anguish. About six months after the loss, they accept it as reality, are more optimistic about the future and function completely in their everyday lives.
Prolong grief affects 10 to 20 percent of survivors. Prolong grief is unresolved despair that lasts over a long period of time and has negative consequences on one's physical and mental health. Uncomplicated grief is normal and part of living a mentally healthy life while prolong grief requires help. Support can come in many forms including therapy focusing on motivational interviewing and emotional coping, supportive family and friends and a strong spiritual foundation.
I understand cognitively and emotionally the need to grieve and am surprised when I become emotional for no explainable reason. As a therapist I am usually able to control my emotions while focusing on analytic reasoning to aid clients in their introspective exploration. Possibly to my detriment, I've often been able to use this skill to turn off my emotions while dealing with the death of my father. Helping my mother through her grief makes addressing my grief inconvenient. The problem is I don't get to choose if I am going to grieve. Allowing love into my life means there will be loss and when we lose someone we love, we grieve.