For men only, please

Welcome, gentlemen. Happy Valentine's Day Eve.

The complaint department is now open.

It's open because that chubby little cherub might have dipped his love arrows in potions of passion, but he's not aiming at your heart. The rascal's drawn a bull's-eye on your wallet, and for what? For a holiday dreamed up just to deprive you of your hard-earned wages, that's what.

If simple Valentine's Day cards going for six or seven bucks a pop don't burst your amorous bubble, try buying a half decent flower arrangement. Lucky for you the banks are open tomorrow, so financing for her fleurs de coeur can be arranged.

One upside is that several restaurants are offering fine meals at reasonable prices in honor of the day of romance, but overall, if you feel like marketing giants have mashed your unmentionables - before you've fully recovered from Yet Another Commercial Christmas, no less - you aren't alone.

So gripe to the poor sap standing next to you in the depleted gift card aisle if you must, and get it all off your chest. Maybe you'll feel better. You'll certainly feel poorer.

The complaint department is now closed.

And in the sea awash with words of wisdom, we cast heartily and pull out just four. But they are the only four you need to know. Memorize them. Recite them softly to yourself as the female cashier tells you what a wonderful husband you must be, and the guy behind you shakes his head sadly, not because he pities you but because you're reminding him of the obscene amounts he paid yesterday for the same stuff.

Happy wife; happy life.

Even if you're not married, those words forever will ring true.