'Family' shouldn't mean fear

We didn't know it was called "domestic violence." As the clock struck five, mom, my sister, and I transformed from relaxed to walking on eggshells, silencing the house and making ourselves "respectfully presentable" as we wondered what mood he would be in today. Heartbeats became audible; would he come home and start throwing things? Yell so loud the floors vibrated under our feet as we scrambled to avoid his rapidly approaching arm? What about our expressions, word choice, the housekeeping, or dinner would set him off? Or did he have a good day; would he simply lay down his briefcase and unwind at the piano with Beethoven before asking us about school like any good parent?

Even when mom considered getting out of the marriage, she didn't know how. No one, not even relatives, knew; we were "such a nice family." There were no shelters or hotlines then, even in our city of millions. No public service announcements or awareness months. Even though other dads seemed more affectionate and kind; maybe this emotional tyranny was normal. As he often reminded us, he was a good provider and it was our fault for angering him. What did we have to complain about?

For most of history, domestic violence has been ignored or treated as a private matter. Even now too many Americans suffer in silence, fearful insecurity, and that pervasive feeling of shame, keeping that fight-or-flight angst the household norm.

At least now it's a crime and out of the closet.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, observed since 1987. September marked 18 years since the landmark Violence Against Women Act, authored by then-Sen. Joe Biden. Idaho's own Sen. Mike Crapo now leads the bipartisan charge, adding more protections and law enforcement tools. Since August 2012, the Affordable Care Act requires most insurance plans to make domestic violence screening and counseling available as a preventive service for women without co-payments or deductibles. That's bigger than you might think; one of the common means of controlling behavior is to prevent the victim's free access to money and outside help.

Have we come far enough?

Despite the progress, according to WhiteHouse.gov and National Coalition Against Domestic Violence each day an average of three American women lose their lives to intimate partner violence and thousands more people endure physical and emotional battering. While women are six times more likely than men to experience it, domestic violence knows no boundaries of gender, age, sexual orientation, race, or religion. Bruises aren't always visible. Without intervention, adults and children who experience or witness it can suffer serious, long-term consequences including difficulty in school or work; post-traumatic disorders, depression, and other mental problems; increased risk of alcohol or drug abuse; physical/health conditions; and, perhaps worst, repeating the cycle by victimizing or falling victim to others.

So what stops people from using legal protections? The NCADV estimates 20 percent of the 1.5 million people who experience intimate partner violence each year get civil protection orders. Why not more? Fear and perceived futility: Approximately half of protection orders based on intimate partner attacks, and more than two-thirds against those who raped or stalked the victim, are violated.

Other reasons are more subtle. The nature of these crimes often results in a silent victim, emotionally handicapped, embarrassed, believing years of manipulative taunts ("you're pathetic, you can't handle it on your own, you're stupid and weak," etc.). Facing threats, such as against children and pets; fears of retaliation; broken trust; and the poor self-image endemic to abuse all make it hard for victims to talk or act, at least without assured help navigating the system and resulting challenges of starting over.

So it's vital that the rest of us stop saying "it's none of my business." Add the public costs of medical treatments and lower productivity in schools and workplaces, and even beyond human rights concerns it's everybody's business.

"The rights of every man are diminished when the rights of one are threatened." - John F. Kennedy

For information and counseling call (208) 664-9303 (North Idaho Violence Prevention Center, Cdawomenscenter.org). Crisis hotlines include Kootenai (208) 664-1443; Post Falls/OASIS (208) 773-1080; Benewah (208) 245-1542; Boundary (208) 267-5211; Bonner (208) 265-3586; and Shoshone (208) 556-0500.

Sholeh Patrick is a columnist for the Hagadone News Network. Email sholehjo@hotmail.com