The 3D release nobody wanted

Check your movie listings today (um, online?) and you'll notice "Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace" is back in theaters. Of course, on the Internet, you might know the film as "The absolute worst movie in the history of cinema."

"Star Wars" creator George Lucas plans to re-release all six films in theaters starting today with the first prequel, "The Phantom Menace." The lightsaber duels and the space dogfights will be presented in glorious 3D. The dialogue will remain as flat as you remember it.

The big question: How much box office can "Phantom Menace 3D" claim this weekend in spite of being the "Star Wars" film everyone hates?

There are literally thousands of websites, blogs and YouTube videos devoted to hating "Phantom Menace." According to some uber-fans, it's the movie that ruined childhoods and tainted the beauty and perfection of the "Star Wars" universe.

These bellyachers came together last year for the insufferable documentary, "The People vs. George Lucas," a viewing experience so bad it makes watching Jar Jar Binks for two hours seem like a better alternative. "Phantom Menace" has become such an obvious target for fanboy vitriol that the actual merits of the criticism have become irrelevant. It's the rare Internet forum topic where all sides agree and nobody resorts to flagrant namecalling.

As "The People vs. George Lucas" proved, there's nothing worse than listening to a bunch of obsessive fans complain about the same thing over and over again.

So why did George Lucas even bother to re-release "The Phantom Menace?" Because many of the people who have spent 13 years complaining about it will still go to see the pod race and Darth Maul lightsaber duel in 3D. It's these same "purists" who bought all the prequel movies on Blu-ray. They may hate it, but they've got to have it.

And let's not forget the kids who won't mind Jar Jar, or the fact that "Phantom Menace" has little to do with how Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader. To this younger generation, "Phantom Menace" isn't a prequel to the old movies; it's a prequel to the "Clone Wars" show on Cartoon Network.

This weekend will be an interesting precursor to another 3D re-release - "Titanic 3D" in April. Though that film broke box office records and earned a handful of Oscars back in 1997, it hasn't maintained its fervent following over the years. The stuff with the ship sinking could be neat to see in 3D, but don't forget the two-hour slog of a romance that precedes it.

The 3D re-releases of "The Lion King" and "Beauty and the Beast" both scored at the box office, despite an overall decline in 3D attendance last year. Still, the inflated ticket price along with the questionable quality of many 3D presentations has made the attraction less of a sure thing since the boom that culminated with "Avatar" in 2009.

If the downward trend continues, Lucas may not make it to "Return of the Jedi 3D." Oh well. All the people on the Internet hate the Ewoks anyway. George Lucas will surely find another way to get their cash.

Ticket Stubs is sponsored by the Hayden Cinema Six Theater. Showtimes at www.HaydenCinema6.com. Tyler Wilson can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.