French parenting secrets

Much as I'd enjoy it, this column is not for book reviews. So while I'll refrain from comment or even from reading this (not yet published) book, its autobiographical synopsis held me at rapt attention. I had to share. "Bringing up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting" was published this week by Penguin Press. If you'd rather skip the full read, at least peruse author Pamela Druckerman's column in the Wall Street Journal online. My children are grown, but it's fascinating nonetheless.

The most important parenting lesson to a Frenchman? Learning to be happy by yourself. And that applies in both directions. In short, Druckerman explains by example why French parents get better results. An American who lived in France with young children, she and her British husband quickly noticed how different are French children. The Druckermans' toddler made it impossible to dine out, while they repeatedly and consistently observed patient, well-behaved, whine and wiggle-free French toddlers entertaining themselves contentedly - at restaurants, in playgrounds, in homes - for patient, soft-spoken, less stressed parents.

Druckerman launched herself into a two-year, careful study of comparative parenting (middle class in both countries) and observed: n Confident independence: French children are used to entertaining themselves, although their parents are attentive and involved. French adults are zealous about talking and reading to children, museums and tennis or music lessons in daytime, but evenings are "adult time" and kids are expected to entertain themselves. Crying babies get attention, but not right away; they are first given a chance to fall back asleep. French children feel secure and loved, but more self-reliant (as age-appropriate). Further, American parents tend to be obsessive; even when kids demand nothing, we hover and worry, take over and guide even their playtime. They learn not to rely on themselves and be less confident, more dependent, less secure.

n "Cadre," not discipline: Limits and clear boundaries, but no yelling or hitting, and little punishment. Here it seems the cadre (literally, frame) is as much about parents as children. Making up for perceived flaws in prior American decades, today's parents are kinder to their kids than were their grandparents' generations, to the point of smothering. We give in. French apparently never do, but they also have fewer rules, sticking only to what's most important and letting kids define the rest. n Calm: Kindness and calm authority, yes; "discipline" in the American sense, no. But unexceptionally enforced (and limited) limits, clearly communicated from day one and never varied, yes. Druckerman's French neighbor taught her this fine line, illustrating that it's all in the consistency and tone, not volume, of voice. They call this "education," not discipline. If we don't "lose it," they won't - eventually.

n Food: Seems a detail, but with wee ones, it's important. In France kids eat three meals at very regular times each day. One small afternoon snack. No exceptions and on schedule. Even indulgence buys are not given until snack or meal time. So they don't ask, and they don't expect or pester as it's all they've known since infancy. n Who's in charge: This isn't about force, but self-control. Interruption was the early lesson here. Imagine two families visiting in a home. Parental conversations interrupted by kids, or by parent concerns over their behavior - par for the course, right? Not in France. The author says rare interruptions were met with a smile and firm tone, "Mommy is talking. Wait two minutes, little one" then no further responses. By allowing all the interruptions the parent relinquishes control and the message is "You, the kid, set the terms of our relationship." As if to deny potential allegations of bias, Druckerman says she's not even sure she likes living in France; she just couldn't help but notice these differences. The biggest independently confirmed is French cultivation of self-reliance. In a 2004 study on the parenting beliefs of college-educated mothers in the U. S. and France, the American moms said that encouraging one's child to play alone was at best of average importance. But the French moms said it was very important and Druckerman's French friend called it the most important.

Valuing independence is something both cultures certainly share, both histories share hallmarks of revolutionary democracy. Perhaps they've identified the most fundamental way to pay it forward. "Do not confine your children to your own learning for they were born in another time." - Hebrew Proverb

Sholeh Patrick is a columnist for the Hagadone News Network. Contact her at sholehjo@hotmail.com